Derealization is a really uncomfortable symptom to have. For me, it means that everything, including myself, does not feel real. This makes it really hard for me to connect with myself and the world around me. I still try, though, to connect as best as I can, but I don’t always feel it as deeply as I used to before the derealization started as severely as it is today.
It has gotten better over the years, though. I am connecting to others and the world much better than I used to. I think the reason for this is because derealization, for me, is rooted in denial, and I’m working my way out of that. But it’s not just denial about the trauma I’ve gone through; it’s also denial regarding the fact that my parts are real, and are actual other personalities than me. I think that when the parts started showing themselves about 5 1/2 years ago, I couldn’t accept that they were real, and that what was happening to me was real, so this caused pretty severe derealization. And of course I couldn’t accept that it was real because the trauma and the result of it (multiple personalities) is just so severe that it’s not anything that anyone could accept right away. So, I’ve been working hard ever since not just to accept the trauma but the parts as well, partially because I really don’t like the feeling of derealization.
My symptoms are getting way better though as I accept the trauma and my parts/personalities. So that’s good. Not only am I connecting better to myself and the world, but I’m also enjoying things that I used to enjoy that I couldn’t for years due to lack of connection. For example, I’m enjoying driving again, and I am enjoying playing the Sims again too. Yesterday, while I was sick, I was able to keep myself occupied all day with playing the Sims and watching movies, although I’m still having a hard time feeling my emotions when it comes to movies.
So things really are getting better for me. I’m glad. I’ve worked hard to get here.
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