Today I have 15 years of sobriety. But, because of all the abuse I went through within AA, it certainly doesn’t feel like a celebration at all. In fact, last night I was so disturbed by this date that some of my parts got suicidal. We had overwhelming memories of trauma surfacing of sexual abuse and trafficking by AA members that involved other AA members. It was really sad and hard. Some of the littles were singing a song about suicide that we were taught to sing by the cult when we were really young. David had to intervene and put some children’s music on to get the littles focused on something else. I was pretty stuck and not able to stop the disturbing singing by the littles (the cult made up all kinds of little songs as part of their mind control and sometimes the parts remember them). So the whole thing was scary and disturbing and of course I didn’t sleep well.
I’m still hoping today that I can pull through and hopefully do some yoga. Yesterday I did about 25 minutes of walking Maggie plus some cleaning around the house. But we’ll see. This really is a hard day for me. And the truth is that I should be proud of myself, or feel like celebrating, but instead, because of all the abuse, I just want to curl up in bed and do nothing.
I’m also not going to put up a Facebook post dedicated to this. I just don’t want to get into the trap of making my whole life about my sobriety date or how much time I have like I used to when I was in AA. So I’m going to refrain from putting up a big post. Also, I’m sure that there are those out there who don’t consider me sober because I take Ritalin and micro-dose medical marijuana as prescribed by my doctors. And I don’t want anybody arguing with me about it today when I feel so delicate and triggered already. So I decided I would talk about it on here, but not do the overall Facebook thing. Although I do post my blogs on Facebook.
So yeah, I’m not sure what today will look like. I’m going to try my best to keep myself and my parts safe.
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