I shared in my post last night that I feel like I am finally making progress in my healing and in my life. A few weeks ago I stopped talking to my abusive parents and it has made all the difference in the world. My head is clearer, and I can see how dysfunctional my family really is.
The other thing is that my parts have been in a panic for a few years, trying to tell me that something is majorly wrong/undiagnosed. So, we’ve been getting the diagnoses that we need, but something still wasn’t right. I think that what was missing was the diagnosis of a possible eating disorder. It seems that now that I’m getting help for this, all of my parts are slowing down and relaxing. It’s interesting how much they try to help me, even if it comes across in strange and self-sabotaging ways.
But I really do feel like I am finally healing now that I’ve cut out my family and am dealing with the ED as well as the trauma/DID. I feel that for years I just went around in circles, trying to figure out why I wasn’t feeling like I was making progress. And the truth is that I must have been making progress for some time, because it took a lot of courage to just stop talking to my family, even if it didn’t feel like it. Now I feel though like I’m not as stuck
I am nervous about my assessment today. I doubt they’ll place me in an in-person outpatient or inpatient but they might. It just scares me to think about that because there is a pandemic going on and I’m immunosuppressed. But I also need to get help at the same time.
I’m worried, too, still about gaining weight. I’ve lost 10 pounds in the last six months, and I’m worried that if I don’t restrict that I’ll gain it all back due to the medications I’m on. But I know that this type of thinking and obsession with my weight is a problem for me. So I’m trying to eat regular amounts anyways, but it’s hard for me to do because I’m terrified of gaining weight. I’m also trying to figure out what to do for yoga today. Part of me wants to just stick with restorative yoga, but then part of me wants to push myself just a little and do gentle yoga. I’m not sure if I’m fully up for that though, and I do have four appointments today.
I decided to take another day off of writing my book just because I have so many appointments to focus on today. I can revise my book tomorrow, or over the weekend when I’m not so busy. But I want to make sure that today I’m focused on healing and recovery. I might have to take another break from writing if I do an inpatient or outpatient program as well.
Well, I think that’s enough writing for this morning. Thanks for reading! Feel free to comment below.