We tried to watch some of the election coverage last night, but the whole thing made me and a bunch of the parts feel really anxious. So at some point we just turned off the election coverage and watched Netflix. I/We were also feeling anxious because of talking with our psychiatrist regarding an eating disorder. That seemed to set off a bunch of the parts and cause destabilization.
I also ended up having a bunch of memories last night that were really traumatic for me. They made me scared for my safety. I’m afraid to talk about them openly on here because I don’t want my abusers or the cult to retaliate. Suffice to say, it was not a fun night.
I went to bed by about 8:30 last night and feel asleep an hour later. I ended up having really bad nightmares and memories all night. I woke up at 4:15 terrified and luckily was able to get back to sleep. But, it was a hard night.
One of my nightmares was that my dad framed me for murder, and that I had to go to the FBI to prove him wrong. It was scary. I’ve heard of cults doing things like that, framing people for crimes they didn’t commit. So I guess that this is a fear of mine that I didn’t know about.
I’m also fearful about getting help for my eating disorder. I’ve been doing a lot of reading on recovering from eating disorders and unfortunately there seems to be a lot of similar language as is used by 12 step groups, which is not something that I can tolerate because of my trauma history. So, hopefully I can find a specialist who won’t push things like “recovery” and a “disease concept” onto me. That would do more harm than good.
I’m glad though that I’m able to see that I have a problem in this area that needs to be addressed.
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