I’ve been realizing the last couple of days that I think that a big part of the reason why I re-developed a mycoplasma infection (or a flare of it) plus am having a Lyme flare is because I’ve been pushing myself too hard to be “normal”. For example, I was exercising like, one to two hours a day, and while that might be okay for people without Chronic Lyme Disease, for someone with all of my health issues it is excessive. I’ve also could have slowed down with the fiction writing as well, since there is no definite deadline for any of that yet. Basically, I feel like I’ve been pushing myself to live a normal life, and to be very active, even when it’s harmful to me. So, I need to learn to slow down, especially when it comes to exercise.
It’s just very hard for me to sit still and rest all day, though, but I’m going to have to learn to do it. Otherwise, I’m going to keep having these relapses into Lyme Disease and might not get better. My psychiatrists are working on finding mediations for me to help me to relax. For example, I’m taking guanfacine, an ADHD med that is sedating, both morning and night now whereas before I was only taking it at night. This is helping me to be able to sleep and relax more during the day. I also have other sedatives (non-addictive) that I can take as needed. But it is quite frustrating for me to have to slow down.
The other thing about the over-exercising is that I’m realizing that part of the reason I was having problems losing weight is because I was exercising too much. When I started to cut back on the exercise and started to rest more, I actually lost weight.
So, I have a lot of thinking to do regarding what I want my life to look like going forward, given the severity of my Lyme Disease. I’m not sure what it’s going to look like but I can tell you that I am going to be focused on getting better and adjusting my life to do so.
What I do know about all of this is that my mother has definitely pushed body image issues and disordered eating/exercising onto me throughout my life. For example, when I was 16, I was 115 pounds. I started a new medication that caused me to gain 5 pounds, and my mom acted like I was fat and that this was completely unacceptable (I was 120 pounds). She shamed me really badly about this and made me go to the doctor and switch medications so that I could lose those five pounds. She always stressed to me the importance of exercise and diet being part of our “family values”, and any time I would gain weight, even if it was from medications that I needed, she would make a big deal about it. Even recently, every time I talked to her she would push the idea that I should be exercising daily/routinely onto me, despite the chronic Lyme Disease. And, she’s always putting down other people who are overweight and looks down on them pretty badly, which puts pressure on me to stay thin.
And the truth is that I’m tired of living up to my parent’s high standards of me, because in some ways, it is killing me slowly. I need to start to listen to my body and when I feel exhausted to rest. I’m tired of living by other people’s standards of me.
I really want to choose health and life over anything else.
Thanks for reading! Feel free to comment below.