An update: It’s 2 pm and I’m still in a good mood! I’ve thought about it and realized that the Lyme treatments that I’ve been on for six months, including the recent antibiotics, must be working because my neurological and some of my psychiatric issues are clearing up now! I still obviously have DID and need to work on that but my depression and anxiety are way down today and are staying down. So I feel like it’s actually working and I’m having a good day! This is wonderful. I haven’t felt this happy for this long for many years (I’d say, for 15 years or so).
So I was feeling so sick yesterday from both the increase in my Jornay (ritalin) and the antibiotics that I went to the emergency room. The doctor there couldn’t do anything for me. She said that the Jornay, which is an extended release form or Ritalin, has to just run it’s course and get out of my body. She also thinks that I should see an infectious disease doctor and talk about my “quality of life” with them because it isn’t always very good, given everything that I deal with. So I am going to be seeing an infectious disease doc later this month, but I don’t have a lot of hope for it. The doctors are not LLMD’s so I’m not sure what they are going to do. But, I am going to try anyways.
I did hear back from my LLMD though and we are stopping antibiotics for now and are doing a probiotic flush for a few days before re-starting them. Hopefully I can tolerate antibiotics but we’ll see. I’ve always had a sensitive stomach and have a history of C-Difficile from antibiotics. Without antibiotics though I’m not sure if they can arrest my Lyme Disease and co-infections at this point, which is pretty scary.
I also testing as having some excess lead and mercury in my system, so my LLMD is going to treat me for that as well. I don’t know what the treatment is for that but I’ve heard they can be intense.
So I’m just kind of re-evaluating my life and thinking ahead as to what this all could look like. I realize that I really need to practice self-care and get my stress levels down so that I can fight off all these infections and viruses. Luckily David is being really supportive and allowing me to rest a lot right now. Today he is going to do some yoga with me too. But, I’m definitely scared over everything that’s going on with me medically, and am hoping that doctors can find a way to stop the progression of the Lyme Disease, mycoplasma, and the viruses I have.
I did also have a breakthrough with my mental health last night. I was laying in bed, when suddenly, I was able to pay attention to my thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, and more interestingly, my inner world with all my parts. And then, a bunch of amnesic walls broke down and suddenly I could remember all of these things that I had forgotten, such as, things that I learned while studying psychology. It was really quite something. Suddenly, I feel proud to be a plural (a person with more than one identity). I feel like, I can embrace this. It’s not a horrible thing. It’s actually kind of cool to be able to see my inner world and my parts, and to communicate with them. I realize now why so many multiples (people with DID) talk about “power to the plurals”. Because it isn’t so scary when you can actually see and communicate with all the parts!
But boy, I’ll tell you, having those amnesic walls up the past five years while trying to work with my system has made it really hard to feel like I was making progress. I was just in a pit of abyss for a long time mentally. But now everything feels clear again rather than constantly muddy.
I realized that some of my parts could really benefit from CBT. They state that the reason why they are depressed is from all the trauma and life events. But I can see that there’s another reason for it too. These parts are having issues with focus and perception. All they can see and focus on are the negatives in my life, even if there are positives all around. And, it’s like they are using the confirmation bias and selective attention (not consciously) to stay in a state of severe depression. They screen out evidence that points to the fact that life is okay, and only pay attention to evidence that shows how bad our life really is. So I think what these parts need is a change of thinking, focus, and attention. I think that cognitive behavioral therapy will help with that, along with gentle reminders to them that re-direct their focus.
I’m feeling confident that I can work with these parts between therapy sessions to, sort of, brighten their outlook. It will take a lot of work but I have time and can do it.
I’m wondering though, how I broke through these amnesic walls. I wonder if, these parts finally felt heard enough to allow me (the host/core) to come back out and take over for them and to help them. That must have been what happened, and I know that my counselor has been using a lot of techniques to talk to the parts too.
So, despite the fact that treatment for Lyme Disease isn’t going as planned, I’m still feeling optimistic today, and hopeful. That’s good.
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