The nausea and herxing from five days of antibiotics hit last night. It was bad. I couldn’t eat so I just ate a yogurt for dinner, which made me feel much worse. Then, I had issues sleeping. I woke up at 4:30 this morning unable to get back to sleep after sleeping only 5 hours or so. I tried to have some pancake bites this morning and almost threw those up. So David got me some thc and I’m hoping that will help with the nausea.
My psychiatrist also upped my ADHD medication last night. I was worried because the last time they did that I got moody and had issues sleeping. Plus, I haven’t taken my mood stabilizer for two nights because it needed a yearly prior-authorization that we didn’t know about. I am getting more today but I’m all over the place. And I don’t think that the increase of the ADHD medication was wise because I’m feeling worse than ever now and even more nauseous.
The other thing is that I feel like I am failing in verbal communication with other people. I’ve always had issues with verbal communication when it comes to certain things, like, expressing how I actually feel about things. I was actually non-verbal for awhile when I was a kid. I’ve been trying to talk to people verbally lately to get more support for my issues but it’s extremely uncomfortable for me. I feel like this is an ADHD/autism thing, that it’s not all because of the trauma. And it’s becoming super frustrating for me because it’s impeding my ability to get help and support.
This is especially true with David. He’ll start to ask lots of verbal questions trying to understand what I need or what I’m going through, and when I can’t verbalize the answers well, I start freaking out and shutting down. He’s going to start reading my blog posts now to try to keep up with how I’m feeling because I’m so bad at verbalizing it to him sometimes.
And whenever I try any sort of group activity I always feel like the odd man out. Like, I don’t get the jokes, or I don’t get whatever it is they are trying to do. I remember when I was in AA, feeling deep down all the time like I just wasn’t “getting it”, looking around at all the people who were and feeling totally alone. But I held it all in for years, trying and hoping that if I just worked the steps one more time that my life would get better. And, it never worked.
Anyways, I’m just pissed about all of this, overall though. I’m especially upset at my parents. It isn’t just that they didn’t get me help for the Lyme Disease. They also never got me help for the ADHD (or even screened), or the autism. And, when I did go to a counselor when I was 13, they ran the whole show and I never got the help I needed for PTSD, even though I was diagnosed with it at that age. Now I’m struggling to put together the pieces of all of this together as an adult while being neurodevelopmentally different.
David keeps trying to tell me that this will get better, this will get better, but I honestly don’t know how he can say this. I’ve researched chronic late stage lyme disease. The picture of my future isn’t pretty, especially now that it is affecting me neurologically. I feel like, I’m losing strength and hope right now. And I really don’t have much fight in me left to try to survive all of this. I feel like I’ve been fighting for 38 years just to survive growing up in a cult and all the trauma that happened there, and I need a break, but I never seem to get one. Instead I’m like just very sick.
I wish I could just go on another vacation and do nothing at all but sleep. But, I’m so nauseous that I can’t leave the house, let alone go on vacation during a pandemic.
Every little noise bothers me too. Like, every one. This is part of the neuro-Lyme disease, and is part of the autism/ADHD as well. I’m just not able to handle anything right now. It’s horrific. It feels like the whole world is coming at me at full volume and really fast and I just want to hide.
I also feel awful about growing up in the cult that grew up in. They’ve done some terrible things and I feel guilty simply by association even though I know that I’m a victim in all of this. But it still feels terrible.
David (my husband) had an appointment this morning with a psychiatrist and got diagnosed with ADD. He’s going to be starting Ritalin here in the next couple of days. Hopefully this will help him be able to listen to me better, because I always feel like he’s spacing out when I try to talk to him about serious things. At least now I know why.
Thanks for reading! Feel free to comment below.