I was really depressed yesterday because of the chemical pregnancy and also because I’ve been on and off five medications for the past week and a half or longer. The doctors don’t want me to go back on any of those medications until they are absolutely sure that I am no longer pregnant. I am taking another hcg test on Monday just to make sure that I indeed did have a chemical pregnancy. I took another urine test this morning and it was negative so it is looking like I’m not, but because I’m on so many medications that would be harmful to a fetus they just want to be sure.
I’m not feeling great from all the medication changes. I’m having withdrawals from going off my antipsychotic and can’t do more than a few minutes of activity before getting nauseous. It’s pretty miserable. And, I’m having stomach issues from going off and on the Lyme medications. So I’m pretty miserable. I’m just waiting for this chapter of my life to be over so that I can move on with my life. But, this can’t happen until either my period comes or I have another negative blood HCG test.
Going off my antipsychotic has been interesting as well. I feel like going off of it has been hard, because my depression is definitely creeping back. At the same time, though, I have better communication with the parts. Yesterday during counseling my counselor and I discovered some parts who are still highly programmed by the cult. It was really scary to me to discover this, but he said that it’s common. He said that many cult survivors have host parts who know may or may not know about the trauma but who are not loyal to the cult in any way and may not even know about it, while they might have other, hidden parts who are still programmed by and possibly loyal to the cult. That’s how they are able to access and exploit cult members is due to this lack of awareness of these parts by the host/front parts. I’ve been aware that I must have these kinds of programmed parts because that is how the cult accessed me in the past, I just didn’t know that I still had some that are actively programmed. But I do. Now that I’m aware of these parts, though, and in communication with them, that will actually make me a lot safer. I think that awareness and bringing the unconscious to the conscious is key when it comes to dealing with cults and programmers.
This also tells me that it really is possible that my programmers who claim they don’t remember the abuse could be telling the truth. They may actually have no idea of their cult involvement and/or their actions in it. This doesn’t mean that they are safe people, though, but it does help me with accepting what happened and forgiving them. Because, you know, they are programmed too. I just wonder, with all this, who are the ones who are fully aware of it? There must be some out there. Or, is RA and the cults that do it just their own entity at this point, if everyone’s unaware that they are a part of it? Were the cults set up generations ago to be undetectable and to function on their own amongst a bunch of people who are mostly unaware of their involvement? I figure that there must be someone who oversees all of this, though, followed by a bunch of victims who are carrying out the cults orders unconsciously. or with parts/alters that they are not aware of.
I figure, too, that maybe there is a reason why all my memories came back so fast. Maybe, if I can delve into the programming and what happened to me, that I can learn deprogramming techniques to help myself and other survivors. Maybe that is why I’ve had so many in depth memories of all of this. I mean, I did study implicit cognitive processes in college so if I combine that knowledge with everything I’ve gone through, I might be able to really figure some things out and help other people. I’m feeling much better today about going through the memories and finding a purpose in that process.
Anyways, I have things to do so I need to go. Thanks for reading! Feel free to comment below.