I talked to one of my doctors yesterday who confirmed that I had a chemical pregnancy or early miscarriage. The news for some reason is hard for me to accept because I have not had my period yet, but all the pregnancy tests through the doctors came back negative, so I’m trying my best to accept what happened. This all feels weird though. For a few days, I knew that I was pregnant, and in a few days, everything changed. For some reason, I had convinced myself not that I shouldn’t have kids but that I couldn’t have kids based on what doctors and other people have told me. But in an instant, those ideas broke down as did a bunch of my RA programming. So finding out that I was pregnant really shook things up. For a few days even after I knew that I wasn’t it felt like my world was falling apart as emotions came up and my programming broke down even further than it has so far. It was a really intense experience for me.
But then I question, why would I have programming related to pregnancy/not being able to get pregnant? Where did that come from, and why would the programmers care whether or not I get pregnant? So this has left me with a lot of questions. I’m going to have to do some research to find out the answers.
The other news is that my thyroid labs came back today and my thyroid is almost normal. It’s been hyperactive for six months and was underactive for a couple of months before that. I’ve been adjusting medication for some time now and it looks like it’s almost in the normal range! While this is good, it also backs up the theory that I did indeed have a chemical pregnancy, because my thyroid is not off enough to explain otherwise. So it’s good and bad news.
After this whole experience, I just want to jump back into more advanced forms of Yoga again, but I’m going to have to stop myself from doing so. Yesterday I was nauseous after only 15 minutes of intermediate Hatha, so I need to take it easy. My body is still recovering from all of this. Today I think I’m going to do 30 minutes of gentle, easy Hatha. I’ve read that after any kind of miscarriage that it takes your body time to adjust, so I’m going to scale back on the intensity of my exercise for a few weeks, even though it’s frustrating.
Emotionally I’m definitely grieving. It’s weird. You wouldn’t think that only knowing you were pregnant for a few days and losing it can cause grief, but it really has. I didn’t know how much parts of me wanted children until now either. I do have plenty of support to help me through this, though. I’ll be okay.
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