I’m Definitely Having A Hard Week Right Now

I actually went off my antipsychotics on Friday night. I’ve been wanting to try to do that now that I’m more stabilized, and I finally did it. However, I have had a lot of emotions come up since then that the antipsychotic usually dulled. One emotion in particular is grief. I feel like, after I lost Lucy, I didn’t allow myself a lot of time to grieve. I tried to just keep going. Then we got Maggie, and I got busy. But, now that she’s a little bit older I feel like I finally have some time to process my emotions regarding what happened with Lucy. I definitely miss him quite a bit. Losing him the way that we did was really difficult for me. I just feel like losing him has left a big hole in my heart.

I did see that my cousin knows some kittens that are up for adoption, and one of them looks just like Lucy. I asked her if the kitten in question is a boy or a girl and she hasn’t gotten back to me.

The other thing that happened the last week that was very traumatic to me is that I had a pregnancy scare of maybe even something else. My period didn’t come last week, so of course I took some pregnancy tests. The first was negative, but then a few days later I got a couple of positive results. I made an appointment with my doctor right away because I’m on about 5 medications that I would have to go off of if I was pregnant. I went to the doctor on Friday, and took a blood test, and it came back negative.

Of course, the doctor did not follow up with me to figure out what happened. She just sent me a message saying “not pregnant”. So, I’ve been trying to research this on my own to figure out what happened. From my research, it looks like it’s possible that I may either have had a chemical pregnancy (early miscarriage), or that the antipsychotics, which I was still on at the time of testing, created a couple of false positive results. Either way, the whole situation has been really stressful for me. I really did think that I was pregnant for a few days, too, went off like 5 medications at the request of my doctors, and then finding out that I wasn’t was quite something for me. I’ve gone back on my Lyme medications now but the whole experience shook me up and left me feeling pretty bad. I think that it also brought out some emotions that I didn’t know that I had, particularly about the loss of Lucy, who was definitely my baby. So it’s been a hard week, and I’ve been trying to take it easy. I’m still having some mild cramping, too, and fatigue, but am feeling better today. I want to do some Vinyasa yoga but am going to take it easy and do a Hatha digestive flow.

It’s just frustrating because I’ve had so much grief and loss in my life and now I’m having to deal with a different type of grief from this whole possible chemical pregnancy thing/pregnancy scare. And, my OBGYN retired, so I have to wait a month before I can see another one and get some answers. It’s hard.

Anyways, thanks for reading! Feel free to comment below.

Categories grief, loss, women's healthTags , ,

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