It’s so weird to be in trauma for 30 years, then have memories of it for five years, and then have the memories slow down. The reason why is that the world seems totally different around me. Because I’m used to constant stimulation, it seems to be like every minute where I don’t have any is very slow. This makes me get bored easily, and I’m constantly looking at the clock to see how fast time is going by. The truth is, that for me it doesn’t go by very fast. I think that this is one of the reasons why people have a hard time leaving abusive situations. You get used to the stimulation and the constant adrenaline, and then when you leave, you don’t know what to do with yourself. For me, I’m trying to learn to be okay without it. But, some people are sensation and/or drama seekers after leaving years of trauma because that’s what they’ve been accustomed to, and it’s too hard to change. It’s really sad to me what long term, repeated trauma does to a person. It really messes with not just your mental health but your sense of reality.
The good news is that my derealization and depersonalization symptoms are decreasing again. It feels like, I can look around the room/area that I’m in, and everything looks real. This is really nice for me because these symptoms have been really bad for years. I’m glad that everything is looking real again.
I’m still not feeling 100%, and I think at this point that I must be herxing pretty badly from my Lyme medication, or having viral die off. I just reached the full dose of my medications recently, so it makes sense that I would have this reaction.
I do have an hour of yoga this morning, which hopefully goes well. I might ask the instructor to take it easy on me a bit since I’m herxing.
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