I was diagnosed with DDNOS about 4 1/2 years ago, and then DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder) about a year after that. Even though I was diagnosed some time ago, I’m still coming to terms with the fact that I have it. It’s not an easy disorder to have, and it’s highly stigmatized. That’s made it hard for me to accept that I have it and to accept my headmates and trauma.
But, I’m starting to really understand that I do have this disorder and that there are other parts and personalities that share my headspace and body with me. I’m also accepting that I have symptoms like derealization and depersonalization that, while distressing, I can’t just make go away. I’m starting to adapt to these symptoms and others.
What really gets me about the whole thing, though, is that some of my abusers not only knew that they were causing this, but helped to deliberately form it, either to hide their abuse or because they thought that having DID would somehow get me ahead in life or keep me under their or organizations they are in control. It just gets me that they would do this because it really can be miserable to have this condition. I don’t know how someone could deliberately or knowingly cause another person to have this disorder and be able to live with themselves. The dissociative symptoms really suck. For example, take derealization. The world doesn’t look or feel quite real to me. That means that I sometimes have a hard time connecting to the world around me including people and animals. This was really hard for me, for example, when Lucy passed away because I was in a heightened state of derealization due to the stress of his illness, and I didn’t feel like I truly connected to him before he died for quite some time. It was really sad for me, and it haunts me. And then, I beat myself up over it even though it’s not my fault that I have this disorder.
I get embarrassed when the child parts come out and talk. You can definitely tell that they are child parts because it sounds like I’m talking in a child’s voice, or in what my family used to call baby talk. Of course, part of the reason why I’m embarrassed about it is that my family would put me down for being in my child parts when I was a kid and really make it to be a bad thing to be in them. But because of this even today I have a hard time accepting and letting those parts front.
I also can have a hard time functioning and making decisions because so many different parts have different opinions, and it’s hard for everyone to agree on what we should be doing for the day. Since I have hundreds of parts, it can take me hours to plan my week because I have to take into account so many opinions and wants/needs. It’s very stressful and raises my anxiety. Plus, it’s annoying to me and other parts to have so much constant chatter in my head, although the chatter has gotten better.
Still, though, I can’t believe that people traumatize each other enough in this world so that some of us have to live with this disorder for the rest of our lives. It’s sad, and I can’t begin to understand why someone would ever feel justified in abusing another person that badly. Because now, survivors like myself and others have to deal with these dissociative symptoms for the rest of our lives, on top of the usual PTSD/CPTSD and everything that comes with it. It’s just so sad how low some people are willing to go to gain a sense of control over another person or group of people.
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