I feel like lately I’ve been making a lot of progress with healing. I’m learning to speak up for myself, and am learning how to express my emotions. Also, I had a big breakthrough yesterday. I found my “host” or “normal” part. I’ve had counselors ask me about this part, and so far I haven’t been able to have a concrete answer about who she is. She’s the one who does the normal day to day stuff, like housework, and shopping. I finally was able to notice her when she was fronting. The thing, is, though, that she does not deal with the trauma in the system. I do that. But, she’s definitely fronting quite often. My plan is to slowly introduce her to the rest of the parts, and talk to my therapist about whether or not she needs to know about the trauma. At first, when I discovered her, I was kind of terrified to know that I have a part that doesn’t know about the trauma or the other parts, because I felt like it leaves me vulnerable to more abuse. But, I think that, now that I know about her, and about how often she fronts, it actually will give me more control over the system and make me stronger. Hopefully she will be able to accept me and the rest of the parts, but it seems like, at this point, she doesn’t even know that she has DID. I assume that she is the one who so often communicates with others when there is no discussion of trauma. It’s so interesting to have found her.
I have a therapy session later today. I’m going to discuss all of this with my therapist and see what he has to say. But overall I’m excited that I am going to be getting more cohesive. Hopefully I will be able to remember my entire days now if I’m aware of and in contact with the host part. For me, this is a big step towards healing and towards breaking down amnesic walls.
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