I’m a human trafficking survivor. I went through sex trafficking for at least 30 years. But, up until a few years ago, I didn’t even know that it had happened or was happening to me. The reason for this is because of how the abusers/traffickers manipulated my mind into not knowing that this was happening.
From a young age, the abusers purposefully caused me to dissociate and to create different personalities/parts that they could manipulate. The parts did not know about each other, meaning that certain parts were manipulated, or brought to the surface to perform sex acts, I, the Meryl that everyone and myself knew, was not aware of it. The abusers started creating my dissociative system from a young age, with purposeful sexual and physical traumas that were known to split the mind. And, they also put me through things like ritual abuse and spin programming to further split and dissociate me and create parts/alters that they could use for human trafficking. What this basically meant is that I led a double life. One was the life that I knew about, where I was a normal, upper middle class white woman in our society. I performed well at school, got a Master’s Degree, and was always a hard worker at the jobs I was at. I made friends easily, and from the outside in it would appear that I had a pretty normal life.
But, there was another portion of my life that was not typical. I was being used for human trafficking, against my will and knowledge, for most of my life. Somehow, in 2013, I started to come out of denial about this, and my parts that had been being manipulated started to communicate with me about what had been happening. It was a really hard process to go through since I was completely unaware that I had been through most of it.
There were hints in my life that I was going through severe trauma, though. I had severe memory loss that was unexplainable, dissociative symptoms, strange health problems, a history of substance abuse, and hypersexuality. However, the abusers found ways to convince me that this wasn’t due to trauma, ie, always convincing me that I had “bipolar disorder” and convincing me to go on a bunch of uneccessary medications that made it harder for me to communicate with my parts. They did a lot to keep me in denial, but in the end, I have broken through. Somehow. I don’t really know how I did it, but I did. And, it has been really hard to do; it’s the hardest thing that I’ve ever done.
One of the main problems that I have today is with trust. I’m always afraid that someone is going to try to take advantage of me again through my parts. I also have a hard time trusting people because I know that this network can cause people to be involved like I was and not even know about their involvement as a victim of human trafficking. That scares me because these people, who I’ll call mind controlled slaves, could be anywhere, or anyone, and appear completely normal like I did. Yet, they might lead me right back into the human trafficking network without meaning to because of the nature of how they are manipulated by the abusers (or could lead anyone to the network without awareness). It’s scary to think that there could be a whole population of people who are basically slaves for part of their lives, or their whole lives, and never know about it. But, the truth is, that this is happening out there, and it’s terrifying.
I just try to stay ever mindful, and listen to my intuition, but it’s hard. I definitely don’t want to end up back where I was a few years ago.
I know that this has been a hard read, but I hope that you learned something. Thank you for reading.