I’m Learning to Live Through Each Day In the Moment

It’s really hard to adjust to normal life after being in severe trauma for most of my life. I find that I am hypervigilant a lot of the time, and that I crave stimulation. I think the reason for this is because all the trauma I went through, including the repressed memories of it, was super stimulating and activating for me. So, even though it was hard, and not great, I still got used to living this life where I experienced more stimulation than is normal. Then, when the abuse stopped, I was left feeling, kind of lost, and bored, and craving more stimulation, but knowing that it wouldn’t be healthy for me to act on those cravings/needs.

So, what I’ve done to counter this is just to practice things like yoga and mindfulness that bring me out of that need and help me to be okay with silence and calm. And it is really helping. I find, though, that it is really hard for me to sit still, even with that, and it’s definitely not just because of ADHD. The PTSD and trauma play a role in it too.

I found, for example, that doing Stand Up Paddleboard Yoga yesterday really calmed my system down. It was interesting. The thing is that SUP yoga is kind of stimulating, because you are having to balance on a paddle board despite waves and distractions around you. So of course, I really liked it. But, the relaxation part mixed with it was what seemed to pull me out of fight or flight a little bit. I think that just regular stand up paddle boarding might not do that for me, for example.

I guess what I am trying to say is that trying to live life normally after a lifetime of severe trauma is like trying to learn to live a whole different type of life. It’s really strange to me, and surreal, and shocking. I can see why some people just either never get out of abusive situations or create them themselves, because it’s really difficult to try to live life in a totally new way. And I think, too, that the stimulation of it all can be very addicting to some people. I’m just glad that for me, myself, I’m learning how to live life without severe trauma, even though it’s really, really hard. I’m finding joy in life in ways that I never have before, so that’s good, even if it doesn’t happen all the time.

I’m also realizing how glad I am that I’m not involved in AA anymore. What a time suck that was! These days, I have time to focus on my hobbies, like writing, and yoga, and have time to learn how to live. I didn’t have that when I was caught up in AA and other 12 step programs.

Anyways, my post is a bit of a ramble today. Sorry! I’m just kind of tired, I think, and unsure of what to say.

Thanks for reading! Feel free to comment below.

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