Yesterday night and morning were hard for me. It seems as though I was triggered because I joined a hiking group for people in recovery and it basically turned into an AA meeting. I was so triggered by it that I had flashbacks and repressed memories all night and morning, so on and off for about 15-20 hours. It surprised me that I’m still that easily triggered and affected by 12 step related triggers. But I guess that I am. That just tells me how bad the trauma I went through really was.
I did end up having an okay day despite all the PTSD symptoms. I ended up meeting a couple at the dog park who have a puppy from the same breeder that we got Maggie from. They are not from the same litter but they did know each other when they were very young. Neither seemed to recognize each other, though, which was sad. I, though, was very proud of myself for driving 20 minutes there and back, and going on a short hike with Maggie despite all of my PTSD and Dissociative Symptoms that day. It was a lot of fun, too, to watch Maggie play with the other dogs. It was the best dog park that we’ve been too I think, even if it is a little further than the one she usually goes to. I was smiling the whole time and really felt a lot better afterward. Then, I went to bed by 9 pm last night because I was so tired and slept until 8 this morning.
Usually when I have a bad day like I had yesterday morning I just stay home all day. I’m glad that I did something different yesterday. I really did try to take care of myself despite my mental health symptoms. For example, my heart rate was really high (110-145) because of anxiety from the memories, so I did a restorative type yoga which brought down my anxiety and heart rate. Even after that, though, it was still about 90 all day. Then, going to the dog park with Maggie and meeting up with another doodle was certainly a treat. We also got take out last night and had hamburgers, so I went off my diet a little but because my heart rate had been high all day, I burnt enough calories and then some in order to offset it.
It’s interesting, I remember when I was constantly triggered in the past and had memories all the time that I couldn’t gain any weight or keep my weight up. I remember that during that time I would get so anxious during the memories that my heart rate would be up to 165 for extended periods of time. I got down to 111 pounds (I’m 5’4). Then when I finally got put on medications that helped my anxiety I gained 25 pounds in a year and a half because I was used to eating more than I needed to in order to keep my weight up. Now I’m learning how to eat healthily again without gaining or losing too much weight. It’s been a struggle for me though to maintain my weight.
Today I’m going to do some Hatha yoga this morning, and then am going to the infared sauna later today. I might take Maggie to the beach this afternoon if I have the energy to. We’ll see.
Thanks for reading! Feel free to comment below.