My PTSD was triggered really badly yesterday by a number of things. First of all, I had an echocardiogram done (ultrasound of the heart), and there was a lot of prodding into me that likely triggered my PTSD. Also, we got lost on the way home so that was stressful for me. In addition to this, a couple of people in the new hiking group I’m in for people in recovery want to hike with me, and that definitely is freaking me out. I don’t really trust people in 12 step programs very much because of what I went through there (I was forced into sex trafficking by a sponsor and ex boyfriend, and sexually assaulted a number of times along with my cats, and then when I tried to talk about it openly people in the program were really emotionally abusive and bullying towards me). Then the other thing that has been triggering me is all of the Facebook posts about child sex trafficking as of late. I’m also a child sex trafficking survivor, which is what made me vulnerable to being pulled into it as an adult as well.
So yeah, I just couldn’t sleep well at all last night. And every time that I did I was having nightmares. I’m not sure if I want to try to take a nap today because I might just lay down and have a bunch of flashbacks and be even more distraught. So I’m probably going to try to just get through the day. I’m going to do some gentle yoga this morning and take Maggie for a hike later today.
It’s definitely hard to be a survivor of all of this stuff. It’s hard not just because I have to deal with the PTSD and Dissociative symptoms, but because a lot of people say shaming/blaming things to me in regards to it. Like, I’ve been told stuff like, I choose the wrong sponsors, I should have known, stuff that insinuates that I had fault in what happened to me. But I didn’t.
I’m not sure if I’m going to go hiking with the people from that group. Everyone in there is treating the group like it’s an AA meeting, and in my experience 12 steppers are not nice to me once they hear what I’ve been through (as a whole. There are a few that are okay). I think that the blame and shame in the program and the idea that you always have a part in something makes it intolerable for me to be around people involved in it. They always are looking for my part in what happened to me, even though I didn’t have one. It’s re-traumatizing to say the least to hang around this group of people.
Luckily both Patrick and Maggie (one of my cats and my dog) cuddled with me all night last night and both gave me lots of kisses. They were very supportive in helping me through this. Patrick’s actually on my lap right now as I write this.
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