This Pandemic Has Given Me the Time and Space I Need To Really Start Healing

I’ve been reflecting the last couple of days about the severity of the abuse that I’ve gone through the last few years. It has been hard for me to accept that it’s been severe because it’s been in the form of psychological and emotional abuse versus the physical and sexual abuse I went through earlier in my life. But I’m realizing that the abuse has been just as severe, but in different ways.

It seems as though as soon as I started opening up and coming out of denial about the sexual abuse in 2015, the other forms of abuse just escalated really badly, really quickly. Within a month of me realizing that I was sexually abused as a child my parents were accusing me of having false memories and hallucinations/delusions, and were trying to put the blame on the homeopathic solutions that I was taking from a chiropractor. It was pretty terrible gaslighting and was really confusing to me. They’ve kept up this charade for years now, stating that I’m delusional because I’m bipolar, and telling people that the reason why I was hospitalized was because of med issues/bipolar issues. They even convinced some of the doctors at one of the places that I was hospitalized that all of my trauma were delusions, which really impacted my care at that hospital and traumatized me. They’ve tried to do all kinds of other things to derail my healing process, make me think that I’m crazy, and make me doubt my memories of sexual abuse by them and other people.

People in AA were terribly abusive to me as well. Whenever I would share about my experiences of sexual assault and exploitation at the hands of AA members, they would shame and blame me for it (act like it was my fault), gaslight, I was told that I was killing people by talking badly about AA, I was told that I must still keep going despite how badly I was being treated there, and was told things like I needed to move on and things like that. It was really terrible. I noticed that people who had always been nice to me became very abusive when I shared about my negative experiences in AA. It was really shocking to me. Also, when I left, all of my “friends” from there just stopped talking to me. It was like, if I wasn’t actively going, they didn’t want anything to do with me, even if I had good reason not to go. It was really heartbreaking to me.

Then there has been all the abuse and scapegoating from David’s family, which has been horrible and severe too. I could talk for days about all the things they have done to undermine me the last few years, but I won’t. What I will say is that they have been so abusive that I ended up suicidal back in 2016, and it has taken me four years to finally even begin to recover from it. I think that a lot of the reason why I have is because of the pandemic. I just don’t see them very much right now, thank goodness. Every time I see them, though, they always say something disrespectful or abusive to me.

David and I are supposed to have another wedding with our families next year. But I just don’t know if I want to have it. The more I reflect on what both families have put me through, the less I want to put on a formal wedding/vow renewal for them. I just don’t like to be around any of them and don’t know why I should go through the work to put something like that on for everyone when they all treat me so badly.

I’m just really glad that I’m doing better, and am able to enjoy life these days. I’m happy for my immediate family with David and the cats. I’m glad, too, that David himself seems to be healing somewhat in that he no longer gaslights and takes the abusers sides and can admit that they have treated me really poorly. It took him years to get to that place but he did. He used to gaslight me a lot too, and scapegoat, but with counseling and education his behavior has gotten much better. I’m really glad about this and proud of him because I know how hard it can be to change those types of behaviors (most people simply don’t or refuse to change).

Anyways, I hope that this post finds you well, and that everyone is coping okay with this pandemic. I know that some of you are struggling right now and I hope the best for you. Remember that this will pass and is only temporary, even if it feels like it’s going on forever.

Thanks for reading! Feel free to comment below.

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