During my last counseling session, my counselor said that we are going to work on boundaries. The reason why is that I have a hard time saying no to people. For example, my mom and dad came over yesterday, which was hard for me because it was triggering (they are my primary abusers). I have a hard time saying no when they want to come over or when they want me to come up to see them. But, it’s really hard for me to be around them, plus I feel guilty being around them because I know how badly they’ve treated children. It’s hard for me to be around people like that. I just feel like, it’s wrong you know. But, as I said, I have a hard time saying no, even when it doesn’t work well for me to see someone.
My mom also brought me a bunch of large gluten free, vegan cookies from a local bakery. As much as I like cookies, I am not supposed to have much sugar because it feeds Lyme and EBV and makes it worse. So now I have two dozen cookies that I’m not sure what to do with. I know it would be unhealthy for me to eat them all. Hopefully David or someone else will help me to eat them. But really, I just need to tell my mom not to get me so many cookies.
Part of me wonders, too, if she could be sabotaging me somewhat with my weight loss and health by bringing me so many cookies. I know it sounds paranoid, but I really wonder about that. My parents do weird things to be abusive so you never know.
And my parents keep trying to get us to go up to the dog park near where they live with Maggie. I’m don’t think that I want to do that though because it’s too hard on me to make a trip like that. So I’m going to have to say no.
For some reason, even though I’m 38, saying no to my parents still scares me. It’s probably because when I would say no as a kid they would get angry and violent and retaliate. So even though I’m close to 40 I still have this association with the word no and fear. But I’m working on saying no anyways.
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