I went to bed last night around 9 pm and woke up around 8. It took me about an hour to fall asleep. I slept a lot and it was nice, however, I’m still exhausted today. I’m realizing that when you have hyperthyroidism as badly as I do, it feels like you are running a marathon every day. At first the extra energy feels really good, but eventually I always crash and end up totally exhausted. I’m at that point of exhaustion now.
I ended up having to break my diet and fasting yesterday and had to eat a little more to get through the day. I was really moody from being tired and hungry all the time so I had to do it just to get through. Today I don’t feel quite so moody and so am waiting again to eat until 9:30 am. It’s going just fine so far. I ate last night at about 8:15 so this will be a bit of a longer fast for me.
I might do a half hour of yoga today. We’ll see. It depends on how I feel. I’m trying to listen to all of my parts and take into account how the entire system/body feels right now. The good news is that my legs are no longer sore from exercising on Tuesday (I did a HIIT type workout, the FIRM), so I can exercise if I’m up to it. I’m also getting a massage later today so that’s nice.
Yesterday something interesting happened too. The memories and chatter in my head from all my parts really started to slow down. It was nice. I’m noticing that today life seems easier. It doesn’t feel like I’m having to struggle moment by moment like I usually do. I was still quite moody last night though, even after the parts quieted down because I was so tired, but I’m way less moody right now.
It still literally feels though like I’ve been running constantly for the past five years, ever since the memories started. It’s just such a weird thing to go through. And the thing is that it didn’t need to be as hard for me as it was. For a few years I had some therapists who were doing therapies with me that are not recommended for DID clients (Lifespan Integration and CIMBS therapy) and all these therapies did were flood me with memories and confuse me and the rest of the parts. It was very frustrating. And the therapists that I saw, up until my recent one, all seemed pretty incompetent when it came to DID. I’ve been seeing a DID specialist now since the fall and it really seems to be helping me. I can tell you though that the wrong therapy and therapist(s) can really make things worse for a person with DID who has experienced severe trauma.
The other truth is that I never should have had to go through this process to begin with. The abuse that caused it was completely wrong. Some people say things like, everything happens for a reason or God won’t give you more than you can handle. I say bullshit on that. Severe abuse, especially sexual abuse, sex trafficking/exploitation, and RA, has no place in this world, or in God’s world either. It wasn’t meant to be, and I didn’t learn any lessons from it. It was just a shitty thing to have happen to me, and a shitty thing to have to heal from. That’s it. The people who did all of this to me are just terrible human beings, and that’s all there is to it. Nothing more, nothing less.
Thanks for reading! Feel free to comment below.