I’m definitely having a rough day today. Yesterday I ended up having to go to the ER because of hyperthyroidism. I’d been nauseous with stomach upset for about two weeks, plus I’m not sleeping much and have excessive hunger and thirst. At first I thought it was due to my period or something, or Lyme, but I realized yesterday that I think it was related to my thyroid. So I had it tested yesterday and low and behold my TSH is .02, which means that my thyroid is really high. I am skipping a dose of my thyroid medication today and am going on a lower dose tomorrow.
I’m really moody too, which isn’t a lot of fun. The hard part about this, too, is that having DID makes it hard for me to listen to my body and myself in terms of my limits. For example, sometimes a particular part will think, I’m too tired to do that right now. I need to rest. But, because I have DID, I don’t see that part of myself as me, so it’s easy for me to say, “Okay, well that part needs to rest, but I’m okay” rather than admitting that this part is part of me and that if she isn’t up to exercise or whatever, I myself am not. This means that I tend to over-exert myself easily because I have a hard time recognizing that those thoughts are actually mine. Because I have DID, those thoughts feel like they are from a different person than me.
Today that part (or I) am saying again that she/I am too tired to exercise, and too sore. So today I’ve decided to listen and accept that this means that even though I (host part) don’t feel so tired that there are those in my system that are, which means that I as a whole am too tired to exercise. It makes sense because I got less than 5 hours of sleep last night, and haven’t been sleeping well all week. Plus my legs are still super sore from the squats and lunges I did on Tuesday.
So from now on, I’m going to try to listen to that little voice in my head that says, “I’m just not up for that, or I’m just too tired”. Even if it doesn’t sound or feel like me. I think that this will help my health overall and it will help with integration as well.
It definitely is a struggle having DID. It’s hard to have thoughts that don’t sound or feel like mine when logically I know that they are. Or to say things and do things and have it not feel like me when logically I know that it is. It’s very strange. I really wish that the people who abused me might have considered how that abuse would affect me. But they didn’t, or at least didn’t care enough not to traumatize me, and now I have to deal with the consequences of their lack of care every day. It’s difficult, and sad that people (including my parents and other family members) would damage me so much that I ended up with multiple personalities. And the thing is that the people who did this even to this day act like everything is just fine when it’s not.
Anyways, thanks for reading. Please know that I’m kind of emotional today and not feeling my best. Hopefully I’m not too all over the place in this blog post.
Feel free to comment below.