The last few days I’ve started to notice that I’m not thinking about my trauma all the time. Before this, I was having intrusive thoughts about it pretty much 24/7 along with repressed memories of the trauma. It was very disturbing, and it made it hard for me to focus on anything and enjoy it. This led to really bad depression because I was unable to enjoy things in life.
The memories and thoughts of trauma must have started decreasing a few weeks ago though because it was about then that I started to notice that I was able to enjoy exercise again. It was the first thing that I truly enjoyed doing for about 5 years (that’s how long my PTSD has been that bad). Then, I started to notice that I was enjoying watching tv shows, and spending time with my pets and reborns more than I had been. Finally, I noticed that I am able to relax again, and this shows on my fitbit. My resting heart rate has gone down about 10 bpm in the last few weeks.
All of this is really good. But the truth is that I’m not sure what exactly led me to feel this much better. I’m sure that having a DID informed therapist helps, as well as all the alternative therapies that I’ve been doing. I’m sure that things like yoga help as well. Part of me wonders, though, if part of this is just time. Time getting used to the idea that I went through that severe of trauma, time to process it. The shutdowns in some ways have been good for me because they’ve given me the chance to focus on myself and healing rather than trying to be social and just keep up with life in general.
So, overall, I’m doing much better these days.
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