I really love the town and area of Bellingham, Washington. It’s very green, it’s on the Puget Sound, and there are trails everywhere. The problem with the area for me, though, is that most of my adult trauma happened there over about a 10-15 year period, so even though I love the area, I get very triggered when I visit. So I don’t go up there often.
This happened again when I visited yesterday. By the end of the trip, my head was swimming, my parts were very loud in my head, I felt dissociated, and my physical symptoms were flaring. It wasn’t a lot of fun.
We did swing by and saw my family while maintaining social distance. The thing is that some of my parts still want to see them for some reason despite the terrible abuse they put me through. They still find some enjoyment in seeing them I guess. But, at the same time it’s hard on the whole system to see them, especially my parents, and it flares our physical health conditions. I’m not sure how logical it is for us to be seeing them very often because of this. I was so miserable by about half way through the trip, and I didn’t like it at all.
The thing about the parts who want to see them is that some part of me/them really wants to believe that our family is normal, and just like everyone else, despite the fact that they put us and others through SRA. The truth is though that they are not, and what happened to us is anything but normal. But, some part of me is still hanging onto the façade that I have a normal family when I don’t. It’s strange. It tells me that I’m still in denial somewhat as a whole about what I went through in my life. It’s like, I can talk about it, but I can’t fully feel it, if that makes sense. I’m slowly moving through that denial though, and wonder what my life will be like when I’m out of that stage and how I will perceive things then.
We also had a hard night with Patrick last night. He threw up his dinner, and then at 5:30 am this morning he was dry heaving. I’m not sure what happened to make him do this but we are keeping an eye on him.
Maggie’s doing well with her training. She’s very calm for a puppy. This morning she showered me with kisses a couple of times after Patrick woke me up (he was whiney and needy after he spit up). I’ve decided that I’m really glad that we got a dog.
There were also rumored riots in our town last night, but the police department has said that they were just rumors. It was pretty scary, though. I had a hard time sleeping last night because of it.
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