I Had A Really Hard Day Yesterday

I had to have a cytoscopy yesterday, which is a procedure where a doctor looks up your bladder with a camera. The reason why it was required is that I’ve been having blood in my urine for a year and a half, so they are ruling out cancer and other serious issues. While I’m glad that they are doing this, the procedure itself was incredibly painful for me even though it wasn’t supposed to be. And, I felt very exposed during the procedure as well. I still have pain in that area too. It’s very triggering, and I’m realizing that this is the kind of pain that I was constantly in when I was being regularly sexually assaulted while in AA. It is very triggering and uncomfortable for me and is bringing up a lot of memories. I’m also realizing that what I thought was interstitial cystitis symptoms was actually pain from the sexual assaults that I was at the time unaware of. This explains why my interstitial cystitis symptoms got so much better after I got out of those situations. It’s so terrible, though, how the abusers manipulated my DID symptoms and time loss to get away with these sexual assault and sex trafficking. At the time, because I experienced memory loss and time loss, and didn’t remember what happened when I was in certain parts (which the abusers knew about) I didn’t even know this stuff was happening. The abusers would call out the parts that I didn’t know about and that experienced time loss/amnesia whenever they wanted to access me or exploit me (obviously, this was without my or any other parts consent). This went on from the time I was a child all the way through about 2015. Once I started communicating with more of the parts, they were able to tell me how the abusers manipulated me and them and put me through this without my (the part known as Meryl’s) knowledge. I’ve thought about filing police reports, but the truth is that even if I press charges now, this all happened so many years ago that they would never find evidence of it.

The other thing that happened yesterday that was traumatizing for me happened in a Facebook group. Again. I’m really starting to get tired of drama in Facebook groups. In one of our deprogramming groups, somebody used pro-AA language. An admin called her out on this, and I sided with the admin. Apparently the person felt bullied and ganged up on, and like she couldn’t speak her truth in the group, and left the group.

But then the next day her friend put up a big post talking about bullying and basically calling out me and the other woman without saying our names. I was really mortified by the whole thing. So I asked some of the mods and other friends in the group if I had been bullying, etc., and they said no, that you are always nice to people. But then I was like, why then did this woman put up this big post insinuating that I bullied? So there seemed to be a lot of different opinions on this, and I felt very, very confused by the whole thing, and also ostracized by being called out publicly like that. Because of that post, I felt so ashamed that I almost left the group and a couple of others. I really don’t like being put on the spot like that, and it feels like if someone has an issue with me they can come to me or go to one of the mods, rather than getting everyone else in the group to gang up against me and the other mod in question. I don’t think that it was handled very well at all. I’m still not sure what to do about it, other than to say that the person who posted the post accussed me and others of policing while putting up a very policing type post. It was extremely hypocritical in my opinion, and since I don’t like confrontation it made me simply want to leave the whole situation.

So by 11 pm last night, because of what happened in that group, and because I was so triggered by the medical procedure, I was actively suicidal. It was bad. David had to just hold me. I really didn’t want to deal with life at all and couldn’t see myself trying anymore. I am, luckily, feeling much better this morning, and hopefully can get through the next few days despite having pain issues that are triggering to me.

Thanks for reading! Feel free to comment below.

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