I still have a hard time wrapping my finger around what happened during my time in AA. Basically, I kept risking my life just to go. I really thought that if I didn’t go to AA that I would drink and then die. So I literally thought that my life depended on the program. But the truth is that I was risking my life by going there. I was constantly surrounded by really dangerous predators, even though I wasn’t consciously aware of this for some time (these people manipulated me because I had DID so that I wouldn’t remember the abuse they put me through). Eventually, though, I remembered the abuse and how bad it was, but I still kept going to AA for a time, because somehow my brain couldn’t equate that the danger of going to AA was likely higher than even the danger of drinking and relapsing. But the truth is that my life was more in danger while doing to AA than it ever was while I was drinking. That’s how dangerous some of the predators are that I was hanging around.
Then, when I started having the memories, and flashbacks, I would try to go to AA anyways despite the fact that going to meetings would trigger flashbacks that would occur while I was driving (this was very dangerous to me) and would cause suicidal thoughts and behaviors because it was such a PTSD trigger. Even so, for a number of years I still went, despite the fact that it was putting my life in danger due to these issues, because again I really thought that my life and my sanity depended on the program.
Luckily, I started to seek out other people outside of AA, and found that AA wasn’t the only way to stay sober. And, I had a counselor who helped me through counseling to see that AA was more harful to me than it was helpful. So, in August 2017, I left, and haven’t gone back. My life has improved immensly since then, even though there have been hurdles.
I also consider it kind of crazy on my part that I waited so long to try medical marijuana for my health issues. Again, a lot of the reason I did this was that I was afraid for my sobriety. But, with treatment-resistant depression, CPTSD, DID, and the chronic pain and symptoms of Chronic Active Epstein Barr, I found myself in a place in “sobriety” where I was 100 times more miserable than I ever was while I was drinking. And, this had been going on since 2015, during the time that I was still going to AA. The truth is, that in terms of my “sobriety”, I don’t know what I was holding on to. The time that I was sober (since 2005), was some of the most miserable and traumatic times in my life. Yet likely due to AA brainwashing and the fact that I couldn’t admit I was miserable (again, due to AA brainwashing), I stayed in that state, afraid to try anything that may be addictive even though it might bring me some relief. Finally, out of self love and the fact that I deserve some happiness, I decided to try micro-dosing THC. And, it brought me out of my treatment-resistant depression and the chronic pain I’d been in for 10 years. I’m really glad that I am using it and that I see myself as worthy enough to be happy and have relief from my health conditions.
The truth is that I don’t have to hang onto my old “sobriety” anymore. I don’t need to live in constant trauma or re-traumatization. And, I don’t need to go to AA. I don’t really know what I was hanging onto anyways, other than a pipe dream. When I think of my time in AA, I think of how desperate I was to find something in my life that could help me, that could give me meaning. So, I clung onto this cult (AA), and kept “doing the deal” over and over again, hoping that it would bring me relief and the promises that it preached. But, it never did. When I was there, all I was doing was surviving. Today, I’m really living my life, and not just in survival mode. It’s great. I’m so happy to be free of the cult of AA and all of it’s brainwashing. I’m happy to live life, rather than to survive it. Despite all the challenges I face on a daily basis I’m still happy. Like, truly happy, not just a fake kind like I felt in AA. It feels good.
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