I’ve been having a lot of success lately in my healing process and just with my mental/emotional helath overall. First of all, I’ve been on the right meds, particularly for ADHD, for a few months now. And, my psychiatrist also put me on guanfacine a couple of weeks ago (Intuniv), which seems to be helping my sensory issues quite a bit as well as my PTSD. Secondly, I’ve been seeing a DID informed therapist for the first time since August, and this is really helping me.
I also found an alternative healing center in the town that I live in that I really like. I have done a few different types of therapies there, such as Emotion Code, Sound Bath Therapy, Head and Foot massages, etc. They all seem to really be helping me quite a bit. And, I like the people there, so I feel like it’s a place where I belong. They actually do some prayers sessions on Mondays that I might see about going to too once the quarantines lift. They are not strictly Christian, so this works for me in terms of prayer sessions.
I’m really finding, though, that these therapies, especially sound bath therapies, help, because they target the whole system. Even my parts that are hidden seem to be able to respond to these more somatic experiences. It really relaxes all of my parts. A lot of the time, during therapies, I’ll have parts trying to sabotage, or hiding, etc, but everyone seems to be okay with the sound bath. So, I’ve been listening to them at home for the last week as well. And I can say that, for the first time since the memories started almost five years ago, I can truly feel joy again. Plus, some of my hidden parts, or parts that were afraid to meet the others, are coming out. My derealization is really down as are my other dissociative symptoms.
The microdosing experiment also was a success. I micro-dosed with THC for two weeks. What I found is that it lowered my anxiety enough so that I am now in the window of tolerance, meaning that I feel comfortable enough so that I can truly do some good healing. It also has helped me to deprogram from AA and all the messages I heard there concerning the disease and what would happen if I tried a psychoactive substance. In AA, they say that if you do something like I did and are an addict/alcoholic, that you’ll increase your use over time and end up in institutions, jail, or dead, and that it will likely lead to other types of substance abuse. But, none of that happened to me when I micro-dosed THC. And, after two weeks, I felt like, hey, I feel like I want to stop this for now. I feel like it’s done what I needed, and I’ll just use THC as needed for chronic pain from now on, if I want to. And, the whole time I did it I was able to keep the level at micro-doses. I didn’t go on any benders with it or any other substance. Now, afterward, I’m feeling so much better because I was able to tolerate the therapies I was doing and respond to them.
Yesterday was still a hard day for me though in terms of my fatigue. My anti-viral is on backorder, and I wasn’t able to take it yesterday. I felt really fatigued and not 100% physically, and my brain was more foggy than usual. Still, I was able to turn my day around. I realized that not having my meds for a month and the unknowns of it was triggering my PTSD, as well as some other situations, so I called an abuse hotline and talked to an advocate about it. Afterward, I took Maggie on a half hour walk and ended up feeling much better. Then, I noticed that when I drove her to the vet, that despite having a rough day, that my fears of driving seemed to be way down, as did my derealization, which helped me to feel safer driving. The vet said that she must have gotten into something (she was having diarrhea) and is okay, and gave us anti-diarrhea medications for her. She’s not had diarrhea since. In the evening we took her for another walk and she got to play with her puppy friend Gage down the street. It ended up being a nice day even though I was tired and flaring a bit.
I talked to my doctor about the lack of anti-viral and she wants me to try Valtrex, another prescription antiviral. But, that tends to give me headaches, so I might just boost some of my supplemental antivirals I have for now. We’ll see. I’m going to talk to my naturopath about it today. I may be able to get by without a prescription antiviral after all, is what I’m thinking. I’ll need to motivate myself a bit more to function despite the fatigue, but I think I’ll be okay.
Today Patrick is in at the vet getting biopsies and ultrasounds. I’ll put an update later today or tomorrow about the results. I am pretty worried about him and gave him lots of loves yesterday and this morning. But, I’m trying to stay positive for both him and me.
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