Boy, I just can’t carry around animals like I used to be able to. On Saturday I somehow strained my back again. Luckily, it’s not as bad as last time so I still managed to clean the kitchen today and take Maggie for a walk. Still, it was painful enough so that I had issues sleeping last night.
Overall, though, I’m still feeling better and better every day. My two week micro-dosing of THC has ended, and now I’m going to use it as needed, probably a couple of times a week, depending on my pain levels. I also did am doing Sound Bath Therapy these days and listening to sound baths before I go to bed.
Something else really strange, happened, too, and it opened my eyes up to quite a bit. A woman on one of my Facebook groups put up a post about a family member who seems to be in love with her father who sexually abused her, and how terrible that family member is. I posted and said that sexual abusers really groom their victims so that sometimes even into adulthood the person still loves the sexual abuser, and that this is not uncommon in cases of incest/sexual abuse. I know this because I loved and adored my parents for years in the same way until I really started facing what they had done. And, my sister still very much is like this with them despite their abuse. I posted this to try to help the person understand the dynamics of the abuse and how horrible it really is, that abusers can wrap children around their fingers even into adulthood. But, the person took it as I was trying to excuse the behavior/phenomenon, or “defend” their family member, which was not my intention at all. But she immediately started attacking me, and I didn’t feel like explaining myself and defending myself. So, I tried to relate to her. But, eventually other people ganged up on me as well along with her, so I felt the need to at least try to defend myself. The woman ended up attacking me more, and I finally told her that she was being hurtful as well. Then she just kept attacking, claiming that I was “playing the victim” and things like that. It was pretty terrible, and you could tell the whole time that she really thought that she was justified in attacking me because she had percieved my comment in a way that was re-traumatizing, and because it was “her post”.
What the whole situation taught me is that even if you’re re-traumatized, whether the person meant to or not, it’s not okay to just attack, attack, attack. It was so hurtful to be treated like that, and I was in tears by the end. I know that she was hurting, and triggered, but she seemed to not notice that she was attacking myself and others. The truth, is, though, that I have been in that situation. I have been in the situation where my anger feels so justified that I think that it is okay to attack or get confrontational with someone who triggered me or even abused me. It’s actually a pretty horrible place to be. And it’s no real excuse to treat another person badly. So yesterday, when I saw this woman attacking, I saw that I myself had been that person. And I realized that this is not the person who I want to be.
Thankfully the meds I’m on now are helping me to slow down, so that I can think and make decisions about my behavior before I just react. Also, it seems like a lot of the therapies that I’m doing are working. I’m also feeling like, I’ve been carrying around this hate and anger for too long. I just don’t want it anymore. I want to be happy, and free. And, I don’t want to feel like it’s okay to be angry at everyone and everything just because of I’ve had a hard life. That’s not fair to myself or anyone else around me.
So I’m pretty happy for this lesson that I learned yesterday. Despite it being a horrible day, with lots of tears and hurt feelings, I’m glad that my sense of what’s right is back again. I’m so glad that I can think again and consider things, and feel my emotions. I’m glad that I have people in my life, on the same road as me, who care. I’m just feeling happy.
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