I hate being triggered. It’s one of the worst feelings in the world. When I get triggered I feel like I’m spinning internally, have a slew of unpleasant and confusing emotions (including confusion), and also usually have repressed memories or flashbacks of rape that are extremely vivid. It’s incredibly uncomfortable and hard to deal with.
What happened this morning that triggered me were two things 1) Maggie and Patrick got into a fight and she got a little too rough with him and 2) David was angry because of work and yelling and swearing at his computer. In terms of David and how he handles his anger, I told him this morning as I’ve told him many times that yelling and swearing at things triggers my PTSD and scares me and my parts. But, he just kept doing it this morning. So then, I asked him, do you even care that you’re scaring me? And he said yes, that he was “trying”. But the issue was that he was still noticeably angry and swearing a lot, so I don’t really count that as “trying”.
I ended up really triggered, so much that I just went back to bed because I was so overwhelmed. And, I had to have David drive Maggie to day training because I was unable to do so. The thing is, that I hate confrontation like I had to do with David this morning, and I hate being critical of other people. This is because my parents were hyper-critical of me, and one of my greatest fears is being like them. So, I try not to be critical of people in any way because it in itself is a trigger for me.
So this morning I felt like I was being critical of David for being angry when really I was trying to set boundaries. I kept second guessing myself for saying what I did for about an hour afterwards, and the thoughts about the scenario swirled around and played back in my head until I finally fell asleep for a little while. It was very hellish. I was also very confused by the whole situation, and was feeling confusion as part of the trigger as well. It just felt like my whole world was falling apart basically and was very uncomfortable.
Whenever I bring this up to him, ie, his anger issues, he just says that he doesn’t have enough time to really work on them and that he is “trying”. He always asks me if I can give him tips about how to deal with anger and I never have any because I myself don’t really know how to healthily deal with anger myself, other than writing or exercise. I tend to turn anger inwards and have self-harming/suicidal thinking, so I’m not really the best person to ask about anger. And the problem with his whole stated lack of time problem, is that I end up having to suffer because of it and have to put the time in to decompress after witnessing an anger episode of his. I feel like a lot of the time that I’m doing all the emotional work in our relationship and it’s really frustrating for me. I already have too much on my plate in terms of emotions, and I don’t want to internalize all of this and put myself in any type of danger.
But really, I feel like my whole day has been thrown off now. I have no idea what to do with myself. I’ll probably just do some writing for awhile and see if I feel like doing yoga later. I do have a sound therapy appointment this afternoon, though, so I don’t have a lot of time to do things. I’m pretty disappointed that my whole schedule got thrown off like this.