I’m starting to feel a lot more stable in my body these days. A couple of weeks ago I was able to put a name to the type of programming I went through: spin programming. This helped me to recognize that the reason why it always feels like I’m spinning is because of this type of programming. With that knowledge I’ve been able to communicate throughout my system and get the alters/parts to stop spinning and feel their/our emotions. It’s not an easy process but it seems to be working. Everything seems to be slowing down and I’m feeling a lot more comfortable.
I’m also working on accepting and learning to adapt to the way that my life currently is, rather than hoping for something different. The truth is that my dissociative symptoms and PTSD can make me miserable, especially if I dwell on how terrible it is to feel them. I’ve decided though, that instead of focusing on how bad they are, which is easy to do, I’m going to try to make the best of life despite these symptoms. I’m going to try to find happiness despite these and my depression symptoms. I can’t say that this is going to be easy, or something that I can just choose to do right away. It’s something that I’m sure I will need to work on every day, and that slowly I can learn to be happy given the circumstances that I am in with my mental health. I know that I can get there.
A few other things are going on in my life as well. I got a cat scan on Monday because I have blood in the urine. I got the results back yesterday. My kidneys and bladder look fine, but, my liver is mildly enlarged. Also, one of the arteries in my stomach/intestines is hooked, which suggests that I have a certain type of compression there. I sent a message to my primary doctors to look over these results and see if anything should be done. I’m especially worried about the mild liver enlargement because that can be caused by CAEBV.
Of course, my mom called, and when I told her about the liver abnormality she immediately tried to gaslight and blame it on my drinking. Then, though, interestingly enough, she took that back immediately and said, “Oh, but you only drank heavily for a few years in college, right?” I said to her, “Yes, I drank heavily for maybe 6 months at the most.” (It was more like, for only a few months actually in 2005). And she said, “Okay.” She’s been blaming everything on my “drinking” since like 2005 and I think it’s a bad habit that she’s got herself into. At least this time she was able to catch herself in the act and stop herself from going into it. This makes me wonder if she deliberately knows what she’s doing, or not. I bet that she does. Her scapegoating everything on my drinking is one of the things that kept me from getting the diagnosis of CAEBV for so many years, because she and my dad always got me to focus on my drinking rather than anything else that could be going on with me. That, and AA’s influence of doing the same, really kept me from exploring other areas of my life and from growing and healing for a lot of years (a decade at least).
Maggie also got her final shots on Monday, and has not had a reaction. I’m so excited to be able to take her on walks around the neighborhood soon!
In other news, I found an illustrator online. I was trying to go with one here locally but she is very slow at getting back to me through email, and I want someone who I can stay in touch with more frequently. So, I found someone else. He is aiming on having the illustrations for my book done in a month.
I think’s that’s all I have to say for today. Thanks for reading! Feel free to comment below.