I’m Feeling Better Today

Yesterday I was exhausted all day because I didn’t get enough sleep the night before. I really just felt awful and didn’t have much energy to do anything. Even so, I had a cat scan done of my urine and kidneys yesterday, and also took Maggie to the vet to have her final round of puppy shots. Luckily Maggie did not have a reaction to her shots, and is doing well! We should be able to take her for a walk outside of our yard in about a week or so.

I still am tired today, though, because Maggie woke me up early in the morning to cuddle and then, after I had fallen back asleep, kept barking outside my door until I finally woke up. I had forgotten that pets are very much like this when they are young. I remember when Patrick and Lucy were kittens that I only got about 5-6 hours of sleep for their first two years or so because they’d always wake me up in the mornings wanting attention and to play, and wouldn’t let me go back to sleep. Maggie is doing the same thing as a puppy, only I am getting some sleep because David waked up with her and takes her out to the living room so that I can get back to sleep. That means, though, that he’s pretty exhausted.

I guess I didn’t realize, though, how much work a puppy would be, especially one that we are training to be a service dog. We are having to devote a lot of time and energy to training and socialiing her. And, since she has bladder crystals right now, we are having to take her out to use the bathroom every hour again to make sure that she doesn’t have accidents in the house. But, even so, she is still having accidents in the house. It seems as though the bladder crystals really put her back in her potty training, which is too bad. She does start day training with a dog trainer in the area next week and I’m hoping that she can work on potty training with Maggie.

I am feeling bad in terms of my blog post from yesterday though. I called my mom a psychopath. Now, I don’t usually do that sort of thing publicly, but at some point you must realize that I’ve had enough of my mother’s shenanigans and lies. I’ve been pretty aware that likely she is a narcissist for a few years now and have been dissecting her “stories” that she’s influenced me with throughout my life. I also get tired of her trying to convince me that the abuse that I went through is all delusions. She has even tried to do this with the abuse that I went through as an adult, that she wasn’t even a part of (that I know of). It’s a terrible form of gaslighting and is meant to confuse me and make me doubt myself. The truth is, though, that all her gaslighting has done is make me doubt HER and make me more sure of the fact that my worst memories of her are likely true. It baffles me that she really thinks that I can’t see her doing these tactics, or that I’ll somehow believe her. The sad part is, though, that I think that other people may believe her over me. Who knows. But, I know the truth, which is that she and others, like my in-laws, tend to gaslight me and scapegoat me in order to shake my confidence in myself and to negatively influence others perceptions of me, and to isolate me. And while I can say that they have done a good job at isolating me from a lot of people with their tactics, I’m aware that they are the culprits of this as well and can also see through it. Being isolated has helped me actually to filter out the outside world and to become more reliant on myself in a lot of ways. So really, their techniques are all backfiring.

I am afraid, though, honestly, that talking about this openly like this will cause my abusers, including my mom, to try to do more things to gaslight and confuse me. My biggest fear, though, is that the RA abusers will see that I’m deprogramming and will try to put me back through RA and re-program me. I really don’t want that to happen. If it does, though, as I’ve said before in my blog, I have parts that are aware enough so that I can turn them in and will continue to share my experiences on my blog.

The other scary thing about all of this is that there have been a couple of murders in my family which I believe are RA related. As much as I like sharing openly and honestly on my blog, part of me worries about becoming another murder statistic in my family for doing so. It’s a real fear of mine, and every time I write about this on my blog, or talk about it openly, I actually am running a huge risk. At the same time, though, I don’t want to live in fear and under the control of the abusers any longer. So I will continue to write and share my story. No matter what the cost. I want to be free.

Well, I think that’s enough for today. Thanks for reading! Feel free to comment below.

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