Just last night I started to notice that my dissociative symptoms are lessening. The dissociation itself is way down, as is the depersonalization and derealization. It’s pretty nice. I don’t feel like my head is about to explode today from being overly dissociated, which is how it’s felt for the last five years or so while I’ve been having memories. It also kind of felt like I was living in a bubble, which it no longer does. I really hope that this lasts!
I’m attributing this to the fact that I’ve been coming out of denial about the RA and trafficking that I went through, and am accepting that most of my memories are real. I recognize that some are likely false and implanted by abusers to confuse me, but most of them are real. I really have been through a lot of abuse. I’m also accepting that I was part of what I call “the cult” since I was a young age, even though I was an unwilling participant the whole time. This is quite scary to me, though, and I’m doing everything I can to get all parts out of denial so that they can’t reprogram me or use me again in any way, especially without my knowledge. If you don’t know how that works, what the cult or a cult sometimes (especially those involved in ritual abuse) does is to set up a person’s DID system or parts from a young age, and then as an adult (and when they are a child) they call upon parts to participate that the fronters (front/host parts) don’t know about. This means that the fronters, or the parts who interact with the world, don’t know that the abuse, or trafficking, or rituals are even going on as other parts are being called forward to participate. A lot of the time the fronters either sleep through it or experience time loss, which keeps them in denial about the abuse and rituals, or any type of labor they might do for the cult in question. This happened to me for years. My front parts, or the ones that you and I knew to be me, had no idea that other parts were being forced into ritual abuses and trafficking. Fortunately, some of those parts of mine started coming forward with the abuse 5 years ago and brought my system out of denial. But, some people can be in cults and trafficking their whole lives and not know about it because of the sophisticated nature of mind control. It’s pretty scary, and sad.
I’ve started to really explore deprogramming, mind control, the Illuminati, Freemasons, MK Ultra, and things like that to try to understand what happened to me in my life. And luckily as I explore these things the blur is starting to go down. I am feeling better and better. My main fear though is being accessed again by the abusers, or my pets being accessed. This though is why I’m working so hard to come out of denial and have communication in my system so that if it does happen, I’ll know about it this time and can report it to authorities right away.
In other news, Maggie keeps harassing Patrick, even though we’re trying to keep them seperated as much as possible. Sometimes Patrick likes to play with her, but sometimes he wants to be left alone. But she seems to want to hang out with him 24/7. It’s too bad though because Patrick’s afraid to sit with me a lot of the time because Maggie can harass him when he sits on my lap. Hopefully she’ll calm down as she gets older and gets more training.