Working through trauma is quite hard for me. My neurodivergent brain wants all of the answers. Why did they do that? What was the purpose? What specifically happened? I’m not the type who can just have memories about trauma and then say, “Well, that happened and it sucked. Let’s move on.” No, I need to analyze, re-analyze, and try to understand it in order for me to feel like I’ve done an adequate job in processing it. I also tend to hyperfocus on the memories when I have them, which is a symptom of ADHD. This is both good and bad. On one hand, it means that I can process more trauma than most can in a shorter period. On the other hand, I tend to get flooded and re-traumatized. It’s important for me to learn to be able to switch focus when I need to, and to do non trauma related things.
Last week was difficult for me because I had an injury so I couldn’t do my normal routines that I have set for myself. So, for better or worse, I ended up hyperfocusing on the trauma. I did learn a lot last week, but this week I’m back to exercising, writing fiction, doing chores, and taking care of the animals as my focus, with working on trauma being a part of that.
What I’m realizing about the trauma, though, is that I’m at the point where I’ve had a lot of memories, if not most of the memories that I can have, but that parts of my brain are not ready yet to accept that this trauma happened. I’m at the point now where I am simply accepting that those memories are there, and that they are legitimate memories. I do feel like at least accepting that they are real and that these memories happened is a step in the right direction, even if I’m not fully accepting the trauma itself that is within them. I feel like working through recovered memories is a multi-faceted process, and I’m just coming out of the discovery phase.
I’m also still working on accepting that I have all of these health problems. It’s not easy to accept that you have DID, on top of ADHD/autism and CAEBV, all things that I have been diagnosed with in the past four years or so. I also have mood issues/treatment resistant depression, which is hard to accept. Since I’m still gaining weight, my doctor wants me to try to go down on my mood stabilizer as well, which I might try, but is kind of scary.
My therapist says that I’m beginning to make great strides in my therapy, mainly because I’m admitting things like, I’m still accepting that I have DID, and that the child parts prefer to talk to David over me. They feel like some of the adults in the system are too stern and mean (simply because the discipline them), and some of the parts don’t like each other. My therapist is working on getting us all to work together. But, some of the parts don’t even know that other ones are there.
One of my biggest triggers right now is still Patrick and Maggie fighting. It brings up all the abuse that I went through with Patrick and Lucy, and Maggie’s loud bark bothers my PTSD and sensory issues. They were fighting this morning again when I was trying to sleep. They quieted down and I was able to fall back asleep and slept until about 10 am.
A random thing to say: I had a dream last night that Lucy came back to life, and that we found in the basement of David’s parent’s house. But not everyone believed that it was him, but I knew it was. It was a strange dream.
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