Maggie Has Bladder Crystals. And, I’m Struggling to Accept Some Memories

Maggie started peeing all over the house on Friday, and at about every 30 minutes or so. It actually happened while I was taking a nap in the morning, so David had to deal with it while he was trying to work. I woke up to find him really frustrated so asked what was going on. He wasn’t sure but just said that she was peeing all over the place.

We talked to our trainer later that day who said that puppies can get bladder issues really easily. So, we made an appointment and took her to the vet on Saturday. Her urinanalysis came back negative for an infection but positive for crystals. The vet suspects this is the beginning of a bladder infection, though, so did a culture to see if they can catch it. It is going to take about a week for the culture to come back, and then they will treat her with the antibiotics that match the bacteria on the culture.

The really sad part about all this is not only does she not feel well (she doesn’t have as much energy as usual), but she also can’t get her final shots today. This means that her service dog training, which was set to start on the 20th, is being pushed back at least a week and might be pushed back two. We don’t want to start her training until she’s had her shots and she feels well. That’s too bad, though, because it means too that she’s stuck around our house and yard for an extra week or two, which I think is getting boring for her.

I can tell that she’s bored because she keeps getting into fights with Patrick. Sometimes he wants to fight back, and sometimes he wants to be left alone. Their fighting actually triggers my PTSD though because they are so loud about it. Maggie barks, and Patrick yelps/meows back, and it’s very loud. Plus I always worry that one will take it too far and hurt the other. I was actually talking on the phone yesterday to a friend while they were fighting and had to end the phone call early because I couldn’t hear her at all. She was like, sounds like you have an out of control dog! Well, she has been cooped up for some time since she hasn’t had her shots yet.

I’ve been struggling a bit with PTSD and working through trauma. I’ve been having a lot of intrusive thoughts lately, which means that I can’t stop thinking about it. A big part of me really wants to figure out what specifically happened, but because of what the abusers did, the more I try to find out specifics through exploring my memories the more confused I get. I worry if my memories are false/implanted, or if my abusers really were that terrible. The thing is that I wouldn’t put it past my abusers to implant false memories just to confuse me, but at the same time I wouldn’t put it past them to do the horrendous things that I remember. So it’s hard. And the truth is that while I know certain memories are definitely real, others I’m unsure about and/or they are much harder for me to accept. But I do think that a lot of what the abusers did was to confuse me, that if I ever got my memories back it would be so hard and confusing for me to accept it and process it that I would go mad, commit suicide, or my body would give out. Luckily none of these things have happened yet, although I was hospitalized when I just couldn’t take care of myself because I was so distraught by the memories.

It’s hard to believe that anyone would do such a thing to another person. And that’s what I can’t get. I don’t understand why the abusers, particularly family members, would go to such lengths to destroy me. It doesn’t make any sense. But they did, and they still do. The truth is, though, that I don’t want to be destroyed anymore. I don’t want them to have that kind of control over me. This means that, while I do want to figure out what happened, I need to take it slowly as to not overwhelm myself.

I am a bit stressed, too, with the coronavirus thing. I already have underlying health issues and don’t need to get this virus. I’m taking a lot of precautions to stay safe, including wearing an N-95 mask when I go shopping, using a lot of hand sanitizer, and washing my hands a lot. But I wonder if it’s enough. I also have a Norwex cloth that I can use to disinfect packages, which I need to be more consistent about using.

I feel like this is worsening my PTSD symptoms a bit.

Overall, I’m doing okay, but struggling some with accepting some memories. That’s okay, it will come. At least I came across spin programming and understand that this is one technique that the abusers used to keep me from remembering the trauma. And, it is really starting to hit me how horribly bad the stuff that I went through was. Like, I was really abused very badly. It’s pretty awful.

Thanks for reading! Feel free to comment below.

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