Last night I suddenly started to feel a lot better. The spinning sensations I’ve been having during the memories are going way down and I feel much more stable. Because I didn’t feel like I was spinning as much, I was able to really get some good, deep sleep last night and didn’t need to oversleep to feel rested. Also, I’m starting to notice that I don’t feel the need to switch parts all the time, or to regress into my child parts. I’m feeling much more stable for some reason.
I know that my therapist told me last week that I’m making strides in therapy, plus I’ve been doing a therapy called emotion code that seems to be helping me. It was very triggering at first, but it seems to have cleared up some stuck emotions. This might explain why I’m not spinning as much.
Also, I finally told a few people how I really feel about things yesterday, and it felt good. I sometimes come up with little theories or predictions that my husband calls conspiracy theories, but am too afraid to share them because I don’t want to look crazy and end up back in the mental ward. Finally I started to share some of my theories and nothing happened. Some people thought they were crazy, some did not. It was fine.
A couple of years ago, though, I did have a bunch of weird visions and theories that I didn’t share because I was afraid of being instituinalized. I was convinced that we were in another time of the plague. I was convinced that it was happening because we had angered the Gods or God due to our mistreatment of animals. I was convinced that a certain family member of mine would get sick first. Now, that family member might be the first in our family to have covid-19. The other prediction that I had that hasn’t come true though is that I saw Hawaii get really isolated and then hit hard with it.
I remember when I was having these visions that I didn’t eat or drink much for seven days or something weird like that. I had to be hospitalized. It was strange, and I didn’t remember anything much from my life during that week.
A lot of my anti-AA friends think that AA is going to lose power and people due to this pandemic. I think that it actually could be the other way around. Substance use has arisen by 50% or so, and everyone is isolated and afraid. That is a good recipe for substance abuse. My fear is that after this there will be more substance use disorder than ever and that because people don’t know that there are alternatives, even more people will end up in AA. The sad part about this is, though, that there is so much abuse in AA that even more people will end up hurt or will be subjected to the kinds of horrors that I went through there. And, we’ll have even more people in this world who believe that they are powerless and need outside forces to help them. To me, this is a big recipe for distaster. Of course, there will be those who stand to profit off of something like this, whether it be financially or with a gain of power. Since AA is religious based (and loosely based off Christianity), this might give even more power to the Christian base in our country.
You might be wondering– why is she writing this down? Seems kind of crazy. I’m writing it down because I want to keep a journal of my thoughts and see if they match up to anything. I’m putting myself to the test. Plus, it feels good to not hold this stuff in anymore.
Truthfully, though, the last couple of days were hard. After reading about spin programming, I came out of denial of my abuse big time. It was very confusing, and hard. But I got through it, and I feel better now.
I also may become a psychic reader in a group on Facebook. I took a mediumship test yesterday from the admins and am taking a psychic reading one today. I don’t know if I will pass but I’m going to try. You have to get 90% accuracy to pass so it isn’t easy. If I do, though, I might be able to start doing paid psychic readings.
In other news, my illustrator backed out. He is a parent and needs to focus on that right now, as his kid is at home from school. I told him that I understand, and have other illustrators in mind anyways. I contacted one of them this morning.
Patrick and Maggie continue to do their cute play fighting. Sometimes Patrick likes it, sometimes he doesn’t. Also, we are having issues leash training Maggie. It does turn out that some other doodles from the same breeder are having the same issues. It’s too bad, because I really love walking dogs and cats. Tomorrow our dog trainer is going to work with us on loose leash dog walking so hopefully that will help.
I’m still so surprised that my 14-year-old cat with cancer and ritual/domestic abuse survivor Patrick loves to play with a dog. But he does. I never would have guessed that would have happened.
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