Lucy passed away in my arms at around 10:15 pm (it’s 2:30) now. He could no longer use the litterbox because of muscle wasting and had to be put down. We could have done more, such as enemas and put a tube in his bladder, but it wouldn’t have sustained him because he couldn’t hold himself up in the litterbox at home.
The whole thing was just really heartbreaking and sad. And very traumatizing. Now, I’m having a bunch of really bad repressed memories. I think that I may have been repressing the memories for some time just to function and take care of the kitties. Now, though, they seem to be pouring out of me. A lot of emotions are coming out as well. I must have cried for an hour at least if not two tonight.
I miss Lucy already. I miss everything about him. His beautiful coat, his big purr-purrs, how he loved to walk on a leash, and how protective he was of his mommy. There will never be another cat like him.
I do plan on getting a dog soon. I’m feeling unsafe without my guard cat around. Tempest, though, our big black cat seems to be taking up the role of guard cat and is guarding me and Patrick right now. Still, it’s not the same as with Lucy, who got me safely through years of severe trauma. Now that he’s gone, I’m scared. Will the abusers target me again now that he’s gone? I feel vulnerable, and so do the littles. He’s protected me for a long time, and I’ve wondered if the reason why they (the abusers) finally stayed away is because of him.
All the more reason to either train Tempest or to get a guard dog. Right away. Even though I’m kind of out of it. God I’m so scared without my Lucy here to protect me. It’s 2:30 am and I cannot sleep.