I wanted to take all of the cats to see Santa yesterday, but Patrick was the only one who wanted to go. So, we decided to just take him to see Santa. It was quite cute, and he really seemed to enjoy all of the attention that everyone gave him. He even walked right up to a young child and let him pet him! I told the Santa and photographer that he has cancer so be extra careful handling him and they were! I can’t wait to see the pictures, which are being mailed to us. And, I’m so excited that Patrick was such a good boy! I used to take him and his brother out of the house all of the time, but it has been years since we did something like this so I worried that Patrick wouldn’t do well. But he still did!
In the end, too, the Santa said, “Thanks for letting me be a part of your goodbye process.” It was very nice of him to say because I do worry if this will be Patrick and Lucy’s last Christmas, as they are both ailing in their health. I think that this Santa could sense that.
In terms of Lucy and his heart problems, he has been put on another heart medication and will have another EKG done in a month and a half or so. Hopefully, this will steady his heart rate.
I had a lot of problems sleeping last night. I’m worried about just everything. My mom wants to throw an engagement party/bridal shower for me and I’m terrified about it. I’m scared to be around my family and I’m scared that now that I’m engaged that they are going to try to pull me back into RA (ritual abuse) and victimize me again. I don’t know if this is a realistic or unrealistic fear, which makes it even worse. I just don’t want to go through that again, and I’m worried that they’ll see the engagement as a right of passage and excuse for RA. And I never want to go through that again.
I’m surprised that I got any sleep last night given how terrified I was all night. I also kept hearing what sounded like squatters in the abandoned house across the street. I called the Sherrif’s office this morning and they are going to check it out. They’ve had problems with squatters there before.
David and I were also fighting because he refuses to believe the specifics of my abuse. He says that it’s clear that I was sexually abused, and that it was by a family member, but when I tell him who it was, he has a hard time believing me. I understand why because my family has been charming him for over 5 years now, and they make it hard to believe that they can do anything like what they did to me. That is the issue with predators, though, is that they know how to charm a person, and they seem to have done so with David. Either that or he just can’t admit, like many people, the realities of incest and child sexual abuse (that parents are often involved). I told him yesterday that I really feel invalidated and unsupported by the fact that he doesn’t believe the details of my abuse, but he says that he just doesn’t have enough evidence to believe it. The problem is that I don’t have evidence, only my word, which doesn’t seem to be enough for him. It’s very frustrating, and it leads me to feel helpless and alone. There doesn’t seem to be anything that I can do about it, though. It’s just sad. We are going to talk to our counselor about it but I don’t know how much good that will do.
Anyways, that’s enough typing for the day. My keyboard is sticking all over the place and I can barely type, which means that one of the cats sat on the laptop last night. I don’t know how I’m going to sanely make it through editing one of my books today!
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