My PTSD was bad again last night. I couldn’t sleep and was having repressed memories and flashbacks, and my parts are all over the place about what to do about a wedding. There is a lot of fighting and conflict going on. Some of the parts, too, don’t feel like it’s safe to talk publicly (or at all) about what we’ve gone through, and they’ll let me know this in really assertive to almost aggressive ways sometimes (self-harming behavior). It’s hard, though, because I’m coming out of denial right now, and feel the need to talk about it.
I understand that I’ve been through some really scary and dangerous things, and understand why those parts are scared. I need to find some kind of balance here between talking and thinking about trauma and just living life, which can be hard for me to do. I feel, too, like I have gotten off schedule because of the recent EBV flare that I had, which means that the parts are not all getting the time that they need to do what they want. Earlier today I dedicated some time to playing with our dolls for the child parts, in particular the baby doll that I have. It seems to have helped a lot.
It’s so hard to have Dissociative Identity Disorder and to have so many parts. It’s difficult to keep everyone happy. I’m trying though.
I did submit my children’s book to a couple more publishers today as well. Some of them are novelty publishers, though, so we’ll see what happens with that. Novelty publishers want you to pay part of the publishing costs yourself, which I can’t really afford to do. I also submitted my manuscript to a publishers that promotes animal rescue, which is what the book is about. I really hope that they like my manuscript!
David and I are just taking it easy today. He stayed up with me last night until 3 am or later because I was so distressed. I’m glad to have a supportive partner.
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