I had a PTSD flare over the past week or so. I think that a lot of factors went into it, such as realizing how much I don’t want my family at my wedding because it is so triggering to be around them. It also seems as though I’m coming out of denial about the abuse that I went through some more, which is always difficult. When this happens, some parts fight it and some parts push for it to happen, and I can go from doing just fine to totally disabled really quickly.
On Sunday night I had a lot of problems sleeping because parts were moving around, I was having suicidal ideation, and was having a lot of repressed memories. It was terrible and felt like the world was going to end. I finally started to feel better about half way through the day on Monday.
David left me alone during all of this to go to his Grandma’s birthday party, but afterward a part came out and told him that it’s not acceptable to us/her if he leaves me home alone when I’m suicidal. He’s agreed to stay home the next time that this happens. I’m glad. And I’m also glad that I didn’t push myself to see his family because I wasn’t in the right mindset to be around people, especially because I was triggered from seeing my Mom earlier that day.
I’ve been worried about what to do about his family, too. Apparently they aren’t happy about the engagement, or at least some of them aren’t (I’m hearing this all from David, so it’s second hand information) because they’re worried that he won’t spend as much time with them now that he is engaged. I understand why they are concerned because they haven’t treated me well in the past, but the thing is that because David believes that they didn’t intend to hurt me, he is willing to forgive them. I don’t have as much tolerance for family, though, as he does, because of what happened with mine, so I don’t always go to events with them and David just goes on his own. We did decide that now on, though, if they don’t treat me well and I thus don’t feel comfortable being around them, that either we’ll go together or stay home together as a team, because it makes me uncomfortable to be alone in those situations. I’m really glad that he is willing to work with me as a team on this, and I also hope that this sends a message to his family that they need to treat me well. I don’t want to enable their behavior in any way either, and I feel like David going without me to see them after they’ve mistreated me or him is enabling them to continue to mistreat us. And the truth is that I’m done enabling anyone. I did it for too long with family members and past boyfriends and I’m just not doing it anymore.
This doesn’t mean, though, that he’s not going to see them. If I can, I’m going to make an effort to see his family. But I can’t always do it even when they are treating me well because of my health conditions, which means that there are going to be times when I stay home alone because I’m not feeling well. That’s okay with me. It’s the other times that drive me nuts because it’s just against my core values these days to enable disrespectful or abusive behavior.
We looked at a wedding venue today that was quite nice. Still, I’m concerned about the wedding. It seems that just hanging out with mom for a few hours on Sunday was enough to ramp up my PTSD to an intolerable degree, so I’m not quite sure what to do from here on out. I also worry about Christmas because if I see my family the day or two before his, I might not be up to seeing his because I’ll still be recovering from seeing mine, and will end up not having a very good Christmas. Because of all these questions and worries, I’m not having as much fun as I had hoped this Christmas season.
David’s being supportive, though, and also thinks that we should elope and hire witnesses as to avoid hurt feelings in case we don’t want to invite certain people to the wedding, and also so that we don’t have to pick and choose people for an elopement/small wedding. I’m insisting on still having a reception afterward, though, where both families can attend. Today we looked at Legion Hall in Everett as a venue for a small wedding or reception and it was really nice. It had views of the water and had kind of a vintage feel. Tomorrow we’re going to look at another venue but we really liked this one. Again, though, the issue with having a wedding with my family though is that it might severely affect my mental health in a negative way for a few days after, so I’m not sure what to do. Probably the elopement with a reception afterward is the best bet, but I always dreamed of having a white wedding, so it’s a hard decision for me to make.
The last couple of days I’ve been taking a lot of naps because that almost 24 hour flare took a lot out of me. I find it nice to be able to nap during the day, on the sofa or even in the bed, with the lights half on or the tv in the background. It feels safe to me. Because of my trauma history, I don’t always sleep well at night. So it’s imperative that I learn how to nap again.
I’m still loving having reborns and might get another one after Christmas. I’d like an awake doll, one with eyes open, or a Darren or June 7 months. Yesterday morning when I was having problems sleeping I put my cuddle baby Logan next to me and was able to actually get some sleep! It was very nice. And, I love holding both dolls, especially Skya, who is totally adorable.
Anyways, thanks for reading! Feel free to comment below.