Ever since I started working through trauma in June 2015, I’ve felt uncomfortable. I’m not sure why this is, exactly. I know that I’ve been getting healthier emotionally and mentally and that this seems to have made me feel uncomfortable somehow, emotionally, mentally, and physically. It’s even felt like I’ve had the creepy crawlies in my body.
I’m finally starting to feel comfortable again, though. It’s taken me a while to get here though, which makes sense because I have a lot of parts that feel uncomfortable as well. It’s taken now almost 5 years for us to all start to feel okay with one another and okay in this body. It’s been hard work, too.
Part of what I do to help myself is that I use a lot of self-talk. I talk myself through things, and re-assure myself. This seems to be working overall.
I’m also really enjoying having a reborn doll. It seems to help me calm down. The only problem here is that I’m realizing how tired I am underneath all the fight or flight, and that is making it hard for me to exercise. David’s noticed how tired I am too, and I think that really I’ve been this tired all along but just haven’t been showing it.
Sometimes I think about the best ways to get back at my abusers for what they did. What I’m realizing is that the best thing that I can do is to be happy and comfortable. They don’t want that. Yet, even despite all their meddling and messing with me the past few years while I try to get healthy and strong (I’m talking about the abusers), I’m still doing pretty well these days. To me, that’s a win for me. And, I’m still coming out of denial about the trauma that I’ve gone through, despite their interference with that process.
I’m glad to be where I’m at today, even if it’s a bit lonely compared to when I was surrounded by people in AA. The truth is, though, that a lot of those people were unhealthy, and even though I had more people in my life, I also had more drama, and less time to focus on myself and my goals/love of life. So, today things are much better.
I’ve thought about reaching out to the reborn community to see if there are any friends that I can make through that in my area. It’s worth a try. Also, I want to be one of those reborn moms who takes her doll out of the house, like on walks and stuff. But, I don’t have a stroller, or car seat, or anything like that. Hopefully I’ll get these things for Christmas.
One more thing on what’s going on in my life today. I bought the game Planet Zoo, and I want to write a small review. It’s so complicated that it’s not as fun as it could be. I remember having a lot of fun with Zoo Tycoon, a lot more than with Planet Zoo. This is because it’s so complicated and intense in ways that it takes away from the gameplay element, I think. I’ve seen similar complaints in my Planet Zoo Facebook Group. It seems, though, that many builder games are going the way of complex these days. What I find with these games is that they really can suck you in as it can take hours to “fix” a problem, but as I said, the fun part just is not there as much. My favorite new city builder/builder game, for example, is Tropico 6. It has enough elements of city building to give me my need for city builders, but is not so complicated that it takes away from the fun of the game. I also like the google play App SimCity Buildit. I play in tournaments on there all the time and usually get some sort of prize.
So my plan today it to exercise if I feel well enough, and to play Planet Zoo. I’ll probably dress my dolls up as well, and of course just do household chores like dinner and taking care of the cats. I’ve written on my horror novel the last two days and am going to take a break from writing today.
Thanks for reading! Feel free to comment below.