It’s been 14 years since I’ve drank or used as of today. I used to not drink or use because I labeled myself an alcoholic, with the help of AA and CDP counselors. But today I don’t drink because it’s not healthy to do so for me, with all of my health problems. I don’t need the label of alcoholic anymore to choose to not drink.
But, the date itself is mixed in with all kinds of terrible feelings and memories. My life really started to go downhill when I got to AA and got “sober”, at least for over a decade or so. It’s better now, but when I was in AA, I was in domestic violence with two different men (at different times) who I met there for a number of years. It was terrible. They put me and my cats through hell.
There was a lot of other abuse by AA members too, especially sponsors. It really derailed me. When I got to AA, I was in graduate school. Within 8 years, due to all the trauma that I experienced, I could no longer work and was (am) disabled by PTSD.
So the sobriety date/birthday is not exactly a happy day for me. And, because of that, I feel kind of out of it today. I’m not sure what I want to do with myself. I don’t know if I should write, exercise, or what. I did have nightmares again last night and am pretty exhausted.
It’s too bad that a day that some would celebrate for me brings on nightmares and anxiety. And the truth is, that it always has, because the abuse by sponsors started early off, but people always told me I just had “birthday crazies”. Now I know that it’s much more than that.
I don’t have much more to say than this today. I’m all tired and feel all over the place. Hopefully I can find a way to have a good day despite all the triggers, but I may not.
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