It’s My Sobriety Date Today, Which For Me is a Really Hard Day Due to the Abuse that I Went Through By AA Members

It’s been 14 years since I’ve drank or used as of today. I used to not drink or use because I labeled myself an alcoholic, with the help of AA and CDP counselors. But today I don’t drink because it’s not healthy to do so for me, with all of my health problems. I don’t need the label of alcoholic anymore to choose to not drink.

But, the date itself is mixed in with all kinds of terrible feelings and memories. My life really started to go downhill when I got to AA and got “sober”, at least for over a decade or so. It’s better now, but when I was in AA, I was in domestic violence with two different men (at different times) who I met there for a number of years. It was terrible. They put me and my cats through hell.

There was a lot of other abuse by AA members too, especially sponsors. It really derailed me. When I got to AA, I was in graduate school. Within 8 years, due to all the trauma that I experienced, I could no longer work and was (am) disabled by PTSD.

So the sobriety date/birthday is not exactly a happy day for me. And, because of that, I feel kind of out of it today. I’m not sure what I want to do with myself. I don’t know if I should write, exercise, or what. I did have nightmares again last night and am pretty exhausted.

It’s too bad that a day that some would celebrate for me brings on nightmares and anxiety. And the truth is, that it always has, because the abuse by sponsors started early off, but people always told me I just had “birthday crazies”. Now I know that it’s much more than that.

I don’t have much more to say than this today. I’m all tired and feel all over the place. Hopefully I can find a way to have a good day despite all the triggers, but I may not.

Thanks for reading! Feel free to comment below.

4 thoughts on “It’s My Sobriety Date Today, Which For Me is a Really Hard Day Due to the Abuse that I Went Through By AA Members

  1. A great read as always. I hope you get feeling better. It’s horrible how these “sponsors” are held in such high regard. Even outside of the rooms non-AA folks always say “Well you have a sponsor right? That’s so important that you have a sponsor and listen to what they tell you!” Not realizing that sponsors are likely to be telling you inane BS like “Oh you just have the birthday crazies” when in fact, you have a very real mental health issue.

    Thank you for always continuing to speak your truth!

    Like

    1. Thanks! Yes sponsors are not all that they’re cracked up to be

      Like

  2. What you have written resonates with me. My “anniversary date” of not drinking is coming up in several weeks. I have mixed emotions about it, since leaving AA 5 years ago. Thank you for you blog. I hope you start feeling much better really soon.

    Like

    1. Thanks! I hope that you get through this difficult time okay too

      Like

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