I ran out of CBD oil last night and didn’t get to take my usual dose. Apparently, CBD must help with nightmares or something because I had one last night that felt just so real that it was eery. It started off where I was on a vacation on an island with my parents, somewhere in the tropics. I think that I was alone a lot on the vacation, but it was just weird overall in ways that I can’t explain. And I was very triggered because of being around my parents for that long.
After the flight home, for some reason, my parents wouldn’t let me get my luggage, which had all of my medications in them. Because I couldn’t take my medications, and because I was so triggered, I ended up back in the psychiatric hospital. I was terrified to be there, and didn’t eat for 10 days because according to the staff I “didn’t ask for food” (in the last couple of places I was at, if I didn’t ask for something, I didn’t get it, no matter how sick I was). David was there trying to help me get food, but even though I didn’t eat for 10 days, they didn’t do anything to help me. I was mute/non-verbal that whole time, which is what I do when I get really scared. It’s a symptom of autism.
Finally I started eating again and talking. Still, they ended up keeping me there until May, so for about six months. When I left I tried to find David, but I couldn’t. He was nowhere to be found. Apparently he had stopped visiting me and instead just talked to the staff whenever he came to the hospital rather than me.
Overall it was a terrifying dream. I hate being in Psychiatric Institutions around here. It’s one of my greatest fears. That’s part of the reason why I try to take such good care of myself, because they really are not very good places, at least in my opinion. The doctors always overlook the DID, autism, and PTSD, and treat for “bipolar disorder”, which messes me up for some time. And, they usually assume that I’m a bipolar patient not taking my medications, and then take me off the ones I’m on cold turkey, thinking that I’m not taking them anyways. But that can cause seizures…. I really should put together some sort of statement or something that I do take my medications, even when I end up hospitalized, so that they stop discontinuing lamotrogine cold turkey every time. That would reduce some anxiety for me about it.
Anyways, it is David and my five year anniversary today since our first date. We are going out to dinner tonight, but I have a lot to do before it, such as pick up CBD oil from somewhere. I also need to get some glutenease so that I can have a cheat night tonight in terms of my diet. Also, I am really tired today and don’t feel like exercising but probably should. We’ll see.
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