One thing that I struggle with today, after Leaving AA, is boredom. When I was in AA, everything seemed magical, and wonderful. And, I was always busy with something AA related, and I always was trying to do things to better my sobriety, basically constantly. What that did was kept me from truly having to deal, though, with the real world and with my problems. It also kept me in a state of denial about the abuse that I went through for years. I was determined to convince myself that life was better sober, and this led me to stay in denial about how bad parts of my sobriety were until about 10 years of sobriety or so.
And this really was/is a big deal because this denial contributed to putting me and my cats’ lives in danger many times, because I ignored how dangerous of a situation I was in in favor of focusing on my sobriety. We really were in a lot of danger, and I couldn’t even recognize it. I was so focused on being grateful all of the time that I forgot to stay safe.
I think that these dynamics in AA are part of the reason why predatorial behavior happens so often in there and is so easy to get away with. Everyone is told to focus on their sobriety first, which can make a person blind to the rest of the world and their lives. I’m betting that, for example, I was easy prey for predators becuase they could see in meetings that I was obviously overly focused on sobriety. But, everyone around me thought that I had the best sobriety of anyone that the knew… or some of the best sobriety… despite the fact that this was endangering my life in many ways.
Still, the constant adrenaline and fight or flight at least kept me from being bored and just experiencing the normal dulldrums of life. Likely, it was somewhat addictive. But today I don’t want to live that way anymore. So, I think that boredom is actually a good thing. It tells me that I’m in a healthy situation where I can feel boredom and it is safe to do so. It also tells me that I’m not too busy, which is good. And, it means that I can feel my emotions today.
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