Although I really love Halloween, I do have mixed feelings about it. It tends to bring up a lot of my worst traumas just because of what Halloween is. Also, my “sobriety birthday” is coming up, and that means also the date of my first (or one of the first) encounters with ritual abuse within AA. The month or so after that date (11/14/2005) is pretty much gone because of all of the abuse that I went through that month. I remember that I reached out to someone in AA because I drank, and then it all went awry…
I had nightmares last night about being abducted by people from AA and tortured and attacked. Then, in the last nightmare, which woke me up at about 6 am, somehow the people in AA got a hold of me after I’d been in a coma from a bad attack from other people in AA and basically kidnapped me and were taking me to meetings and things without my consent. But I was too sick and hurt to do anything about it. I didn’t know where David was or where the cats were, and they had arranged me to marry an old-timer old man because they thought I’d be safer that way. Of course, he expected me to be physical with him. It was creepy. Really creepy. And, it shows how my mind actually feels about what it was like to get involved in AA for me. I was vulnerable and had just been through a trauma, and likely wasn’t able to have fully informed consent about getting involved, especially due to the coercion of my second sponsor to get involved in the program. The whole thing was scary.
Now that I’m stronger, and have cut out the abusers in my life, I can see clearly that AA is not for me. But, the scary part of the dream is that I was still happy to be at AA meetings, even though I was kidnapped, which I know is not reality at all.
So I’m kind of shaken up today and didn’t get as much sleep as I should have.
The other thing that I’m anxious about is simply people coming up to my house for Halloween. I have this fear that one of the abusers (or their friends) from AA could try to use this as an opportunity to come to my doorstep. I know that they don’t know where I live, though, so it probably won’t happen. Still, it’s a fear of mine. I’ve worked through what would happen if that did occur and know what to do. Basically, I wouldn’t answer the door for anyone from AA, and would just immediately call the cops. In terms of my abusive family, they know that I expect a phone call before they come over. But in terms of my safety, I feel like they are less of a threat than the AA people. Still, I always take David with me when I go places with them. I never go anywhere with them alone anymore.
So yeah, I have mixed feelings about today. On one hand, I feel less safe. On the other hand, I do like getting dressed up, eating candy (even though I’m allergic to most of it), and handing out treats to the trick-or-treaters. We’ll see how it goes!
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