The last few days, I’ve been dissociating quite a bit and have been fairly depressed. I don’t know if it’s that it was a Friday the 13th or what (13 was one of the numbers used in the ritual abuse I went through), but I just haven’t been feeling quite right. Then this morning I got on the scale and have gained over a pound out of nowhere. It’s frustrating because I’ve been watching my diet and exercising, yet it still seems like I’m just gaining weight due to Seroquel and Gabapentin. It’s frustrating.
I’ve also been really fatigued the last few days. I did start Naltrexone, so that could have something to do with it, but it feels more like I’m just tired both physically and mentally from having to deal with all the things I deal with, including functioning in life while having severe symptoms of DID. It’s really tiring and can get to me after some time. Also, I feel like lately I’ve been trying to hold myself together quite a bit just to function, and it’s not comfortable. I’ve been feeling quite depressed, too, for some reason, but not as bad as I was a few months ago.
Yesterday David and I went to Seattle for my counseling appointment. He set the GPS to the wrong place, a nearby place to the appointment that he thought would suffice in terms of directions but it did not. And, when we got lost he was swearing and angry, which scared me and the littles. The issue with this is that because I’ve always been in abusive situations, I never know what to think when David gets into these bad moods and for example, swears while driving. He says that it makes him feel better, but it definitely makes me feel worse to have to witness it. So it’s hard, and I don’t think he’s going to change because it’s a coping mechanism for him.
On the way home he told me that he didn’t know how well he’d be able to handle these weekly trips to Seattle to see my therapist, which of course freaked me out because this is the only therapist that I’ve found in the area that is DID informed. I don’t want to have to find a whole different counselor because I can’t drive that far and David doesn’t like driving in downtown Seattle. But I told him my fears around his statement and he said that he should be able to do it just fine, it just won’t be a lot of fun for him.
David was in a bad mood for most of the day, which was hard because I already felt exacerbated from life in general. And again, because I don’t have anything to relate his behavior to, I don’t know what to think about it. Maybe it’s best that I don’t make judgments, and just see this as a part of him that I have to deal with that I don’t exactly like. That’s probably healthier than trying to sit around and figure out his behavior, which is a reaction that I have that I do to keep myself safe (looking for red flags, etc). But we’ve been together for almost five years so I know that he is safe, but sometimes his moodiness really does affect me.
There’s a chance that David is going to ask me to go out to lunch with his family today. I’ve already decided that I’m going to say no. I don’t like hanging out with his family. They talk about themselves and their family members, and if I talk, they kind of get weird looks on their faces and obviously don’t like it, and then change the subject back onto themselves. It’s extremely uncomfortable for me. I feel like they just want me to sit there and smile and “be supportive” of them by listening, etc., but in a way that I feel is really fake. I honestly hate the whole “supportive” thing in some families, like my own and his. Like, you’re just supposed to smile and act like you are having a good time when you’re around family even when you’re dying inside and people are selfishly talking or gossiping in harmful ways, or even if the topic is incredibly boring, etc. You’re supposed to sit there and look interested no matter what. I don’t like it at all. When I first noticed it in his family I was completely disappointed, too, that they are like my family in that way. It broke my heart because I had high hopes for his family because I love him so much. But, they just showed themselves as selfishly supportive in the same way that my family is, and I hate it. It’s all about their egos I feel and it is crushing to me when I hang around either immediate family. I remember that when I was in AA that there was this same kind of selfish/egotistical “you need to love others to stay sober” type of supportive behavior that I grew up with in my dysfunctional family, so I’ve dealt with a lot of this kind of BS, and I’ve grown very tired of it. Towards the end of my time in AA too I found this false support to be just horrifying as well.
So again I’m going to say no to seeing them, if David asks, and find a way to entertain myself here. There are a lot of things that I can do. I’m considering taking a nap though because I’m so tired.
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