I ended up having a pretty good day yesterday. I’m really getting into the book that I’m reading that talks about the principles of Buddhism, and am even thinking about joining a meditation group in the area, or one that talks about the principles of Buddhism. I’ve been looking around for some and have some promising leads.
I can’t believe how much better I’m feeling these days. I’m like a mix of the calmness that I felt in “sobriety”, likely due to being on psychiatric medication, and the strength that I felt before I was so very traumatized by AA and by my disabilities. I’m doing better, and I’m proud of myself because I did a lot to get here.
I’m finding that part of coping with being disabled for me is keeping up with hobbies that bring not just enjoyment but consistency and also constantly trying to learn about something, anything really, just to keep my mind active. I’ve noticed that if I’m not trying to learn anything new that I can become stagnant really quickly (this happened while I was going to AA and just rehashing the same information over and over again). So today I am trying to introduce myself to new materials rather than repeating old ones. It feels good.
I’m also continuing to use herbal supplements for my health, which seems to also really be helping me. When I was in AA, I would not use certain supplements like CBD or lavender because I was afraid that they would lead me to drink. Today I know that this was basically paranoia that was brought on by certain people in AA in regards to not taking medication in general. Because of this I’m also really proud of myself that I’ve broken through that conditioning enough to be able to comfortably take such supplements.
I am very tired today though because I woke up early in the morning with a charlie horse in my lower leg. This means that I need to eat more potassium, which I’ve been trying to do. I recently started using myfitnesspal again to track my calories and my nutrition, and I bought the premium version, so I do have a way to track things like my potassium intake and know that I can bring it up. Also, since using myfitnesspal, I have not gained any weight, despite being on a few weight gaining medications!
As I said, overall I’m feeling much better these days, and in a way that is more real than the happiness that I had when I went to AA. I’m glad. I’m also getting better and better at handling the uncomfortable emotions that I was taught to repress while I was there. I’m really glad that I left the program and then continued to grow.
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