I’m realizing how depressed I really have been for over four years now. During that time period, I’ve been experiencing symptoms like the loss of interest in pretty much everything that I used to be interested in, which includes caring for our sick cats; negative thinking and self talk; low self-esteem; unstable emotions; sleep disturbances; lack of motivation; and even symptoms like paranoia. And, this is on top of all of my severe PTSD symptoms. It’s been really miserable, and I’m glad that my symptoms are beginning to either minimize or clear up.
If you’re wondering how I got through those years, I basically did as much as I could do despite the fact that I wasn’t interested in whatever I was doing or despite the fact that I had low motivation. Still, though, sometimes my motivation and mood got low enough so that I couldn’t do much. Even so, I still tried to keep doing things that I enjoyed, and eventually I’ve started to enjoy them again, but in a different way than before.
Still, it’s hard having depression. On some days, for example, simply doing the dishes seems like a monumental task. All of the things that I did so easily: exercise, music, socializing, cleaning, taking care of the cats, all of a sudden became (become) extremely difficult when I am very depressed. And then, of course, life becomes difficult, and I start wondering how I’m going to keep doing this for the rest of my life, and have a hard time seeing that it will pass if I take care of myself, especially because it’s been going on for so long.
When you mix all of this with my viral and PTSD symptoms, I can get miserable fast. In order to address this I have emergency plans set up for when I get to the “How am I going to live life for another 40 years when it’s this hard” point. I’ve worked hard to know what to do when I really start to backslide, even if it includes a hospital visit.
I don’t know which medications specifically are lifting my depression, or which I might have lowered or gone off of that were worsening it. All I know is that I’m feeling better. My PTSD symptoms are better as well, as are my viral symptoms.
I still have a lot to do, and a lot of appointments coming up. Even though it’s tiring to have so many appointments, I am getting used to it. But, I need to schedule even more today, such as a dentist’s appointment.
Yesterday I started reading a book on mindfulness and read the story of the Buddha. I’ve read it before, and I never really got it. This time I did. It’s so interesting to me that when I began to get very depressed a few years ago, I started questioning life itself, the meaning behind it, and started to accept that life is full of suffering. Eventually I started to realize that there would always be hardships in life, and that I need to try to be happy despite it, even if the hardship is a mental health condition. I also started to question death and began to really full-on face my mortality and my eventual death. I’ve read a lot of different spiritual books the last few years to find differing theories on what happens after death that differ from Christianity, as I was raised Christian. I think that part of the reason why I went on this journey is that I’ve had enough religious abuse by Christians that it is hard today for me to believe Christian beliefs. So I’ve been exploring other avenues. Still, the idea of death and the unknown terrifies me, but I am learning that death is part of life, as is the fear of it for some if not most people. And again, this existential fear is something that I have learned to live with and in some ways conquer. I think that a lot of this is because I have suffered so much in life that even suffering in death doesn’t seem as scary to me, if that is what were to happen to me.
The interesting part of this all is that even though it’s hard for me to believe Christian beliefs, part of me still does. I still pray sometimes, and I even do repentance and things like that. I also do a lot of spiritual cleanses too that are more New Age or Wicca based, such as cleansing with Sage. Really, I’m sort of an any road that works for me is okay sort of person. That’s why I’m so interested in reading about Mindfulness. I even bought a DBT workbook for PTSD as well (DBT is also based off Mindfulness).
There are still so many unanswered questions in my life today. I’ve learned to live with this uncertainty. I don’t mind exploring these questions, but the truth is that sometimes there is no answer. I thought for awhile that exploring things like this was bad, but now I think that it is a good thing, even if questions simply beget more questions. Having an open mind I believe is part of living life in this world, and it can be done in a lot of ways.
Well, I think that’s all that I have for today. Thanks for reading! Feel free to comment below.