There tends to be a lot of AA activities that are used in the therapeutic groups at this facility. For me, this is really triggering. But, I’ve been sitting through it and trying to deal with it anyways in order to show the staff that I’m motivated and willing to work so that I can go home. After my huge migraine on Friday, though, I’ve been thinking about whether I want to sit through groups that incorporate AA principles, because when I get triggered it not only affects me emotionally but raises my chronic pain.
Yesterday, though, I finally just left a group where we were told to do an AA activity. I was in morning group and the facilitator asked us to make a gratitude list and then to read them aloud. I knew right away that I was triggered just by the suggestion of this, so I let the facilitator know and said that “Doing gratitude lists in groups is a trigger for me” and then asked if I could leave. She said yes. I went and took a long shower in order to shake off the trigger.
I’ve decided that I’m going to continue to do this instead of sitting through group therapy classes that are harmful to me. I’m hoping that the staff will understand that I am triggered by anything AA. We’ll see.
In other news, my Aunt and Uncle visited me yesterday and told me that my two favorite Uncles Matt and Pat used to come to this hospital and that as a child I visited them here! I found this information really helpful, actually, because as soon as I got to this hospital I started getting a feeling of de ja vu and thinking about Pat and Matt. I remember visiting Matt and Patt in hospitals, and that it was really hard for me, but I didn’t consciously remember which hospital. July is actually the anniversary months of each of their deaths, too, which makes it super strange that I ended up in this hospital when I did. And, now I know that some of my initial confusion about this hospital is based in reality and was not part of my flight from reality and that I likely was being affected by ACEs (adverse childhood experiences) by being in this particular hospital and didn’t know it.
My Aunt also gave me some good information about who to see for CAEBV. She recommended an Environmental Medicine Doctor, or the Bastyr College in Seattle. Neither of these, of course, are covered by my insurance though, so I’m going to try to see if some traditional doctors will run the tests that I need (I’m going to look into different types of specialties such as immunology).
So things are looking up for me. I hope to go home soon.
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