Despite the fact that the hospital that I’m currently in has made some mistakes when it comes to my care, I do feel like I actually am improving here. To me, this is amazing, because I usually leave inpatient units more traumatized than when I come in. I’m starting to understand, though, that one of the reasons why I’m improving is that today I understand my diagnoses enough so that I really can work with and understand doctors and other professionals regarding my healthcare. In particular, I’ve been realizing that one of the reasons why it took me decades to find even somewhat effective and appropriate medical care is that I was in denial about the fact that I had PTSD. This denial, of course, sprung from the fact that I was in denial about the trauma that I’d experienced. What this meant was that, for example, I didn’t understand what my triggers were because I hadn’t tried to understand my abuse, and that when I had intrusive thoughts, instead of understanding that they were due to PTSD, I instead felt profound confusion. It wasn’t until I started to not only accept the trauma I’ve experienced but also to explore it and how it affects and displays in the PTSD symptoms that I currently have that I started to really make some headway in healing and in my health in general. But, it took a long time for this to happen, especially since outside factors and people were influencing me to stay in denial.
Now that I am becoming more and more aware of my own personal trauma history and the depths of it, I can become aware of the details of my symptoms of PTSD and DID and begin to find the correct treatment, with the important wording here being my symptoms of PTSD, because PTSD can display differently from person to person even though there are standard symptoms. Along with this awareness comes more awareness as well of my mood disorders and how those symptoms interact with my symptoms of PTSD and my developmental disabilities, as well as how all of this fits in with my physical illness. Basically, I am getting to the point where I can see the whole picture better, and it really had to start with understanding my individual symptoms.
I am hopeful now that I will be able to get on effective medications and find a good counselor. I feel like I am doing better and better every day and am happy about all of the work that I’ve put in to understanding myself and my health issues throughout the years.
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