I’m at a loss as to what to say to you all today. I’ve been at the hospital for about a week and a half primarily for mental health issues and am constantly shocked at how badly me and the other mental health patients are treated. For example, last night, I wanted to use the cordless phone that one of the other patients had been using. Now, other patients, like me, come in with communicable diseases: colds, viruses, and worse, and I am immuno-compromised because I have CAEBV. So, I asked a nurse if she could wipe down the phone for me before I used it. But, she told me that I would have to wipe down the phone if I want to use it because I have to learn how to do things for myself. Learn how to do things for myself?! I know how to do things for myself! What is she talking about? So I went ahead and did her job for her, which was to wipe down the phone for an immuno-compromised patient. Then I asked the next person up about it, and he said that they do things differently on this floor, which is to “promote independence among patience”. I’m thinking, “Are you sure that you guys aren’t just making excuses here for flat out laziness? To the point of exposing someone like me to who knows what? Like, WTH?”
And, when I came in, the doctor pulled me off of four medications cold turkey: lamotrogine, ritalin, gabapentin, and seroquel, all of which I am feeling withdrawal effects from. I’ve been angry and moody and am having issues sleeping. Certain staff members are blaming my instability on me right now, though, not the fact that the doctors are making mistakes with my medication management and that I’m being bullied by some of the staff members. In terms of the bullying, for example, I woke up with some strange feelings in my left side even though I wasn’t sleeping on it. I told a staff member about it, which is what I’m supposed to do, and a staff member rudely told me to just go back to sleep, which of course angered me, and then I woke all the way up and couldn’t go back to sleep.
Also, I feel very tired and sedated from all of the medications, and am worried about more weight gain. I’m going back on Seroquel now, and we are adding Topirimate to counter-act the weight gain, which is a medication that I am not supposed to take because of kidney issues. But, this doctor made it sound like it was necessary due to the severity of my “bipolar disorder”. Also, I’m now on depakote, which causes weight gain and low sodium, which I’ve been hospitalized for before and which also affects my kidneys. And, I’m also on proponalol and my blood pressure is getting too low. And, at this hospital they will not prescribe Ritalin, meaning that I am unable to pay attention to most things so just kind of sit and stare at the wall and ruminate. So, I’m feeling more hopeless and depressed then ever and don’t know what to do. But if I complain, the staff argue with me and act like I’m just delusional and non-compliant and try to get me to take Olanzapine, an anti-psychotic that only causes more weight gain and causes more depression because of how sedated it makes me. Basically, I’m just feeling more and more depressed right now, and no one seems to be listening to me.