I totally had what could be a paranormal experience last night in the hospital that I’m at. I was just about asleep, and starting hearing light knocking on the walls. I assumed it was another patient, and attempted to go to sleep anyways. Then, I heard labored breathing, which I thought was my own, but all of a sudden realized was coming behind me…. it was shocking enough to startle me awake. Of course, though, this made me question myself. Am I hallucinating? Am I paranoid? Am I still delusional and delerius even though I’ve been in the hospital for over a week (I truly was stuck in a flooding of traumatic memories when I came in and was quite delusional and did not know who I was or where I was)? Also, I was half asleep, so could I have been dreaming?
All of these questions made me hesistant to get up and check around to see if there was a patient doing this and to talk to staff about it, because I don’t want to give them any reason to think that I am delusional, paranoid, etc, which could result in me being here longer than I need to be. The staff last night were really nice about it when I told them what happened; they assured me that likely I was half asleep when this happened, and that I am safe in this hospital. They let me know that no patients are walking around or doing this. The staff this morning told me that it could be old pipes. This makes sense to me because the wing of this hospital is actually being remodeled, which could result in stuff like this, both paranormal and non-paranormal. Still, though, I am shaken up over it.
But then when I shared my concerns with a male staff member today about how I am afraid to share this with them because I don’t want to look delusional or anything he treated me like I am delusional, stating stuff like: You’re in a hospital (duh), and sort of doing other types of reality checking, which I understand makes sense because of where I was at last week. After that, though, he gave this big speech about how I should be grateful that I’m getting the medical care that I need because so many other people in the world are suffering more than I am. As if I should just be grateful. But, all this made me feel is guilty and full of shame. I told him that at the heart of sexual assault is guilt and shame and his making me feel guilty about being afraid to be at this hospital (hospitals are a trigger for me) is not helping anything. I also told him that human trafficking, which is what I am recovering from, is a form of slavery, and is a pretty bad thing to go through and to recover from. But he didn’t seem to get this and just treated me like I’m an ungrateful, spoiled little brat/bitch, when I’m sitting here trying to recover from a lifetime of human trafficking. Basically, he was gaslighting pretty severely.
I told him how I felt, and told him that I will report what he just did to a doctor, and am going, why would someone bullying me as to how I should feel make me feel better about being here? The answer is that a lot of the workers here do not know that much about PTSD, or sexual assault, and how to work with survivors of such crimes, including the types of human trafficking that I went through. I did just get a new doctor yesterday, though, who knows about flooding that is caused by therapies, which is ultimately what keeps bringing me back to hospitals and causing me to be overly sensitive to PTSD triggers. A team of social workers are going to help me to find a counselor in the area who hopefully will work with me to help me to cope with flooding that is still going on from therapies that I stopped doing over a year ago. I’m so pissed that these therapists used therapies that flood DID patients with me simply because I “seem” strong, because one of the hallmarks of a trauma survivor is that we can appear strong to the rest of the world, and even to ourselves, but underneath it all, we are struggling more than anyone knows.
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